roman holiday | cth [DISCONTINUED]

2+

" cause i remember when my father put his fist through the wall that separated the dining room. "

ϟ

dear calum,

i hope you've gotten my last letter. thank you for reading it if you did. just know that reading these letters will help the both of us move on. i know you've moved on. i see you everywhere; on tv, the internet, in stores, and on billboards.

you're finally living your dream and i'm finally not weighing you down like you said i did. you would get so upset with me, but i didn't know better to try to fix myself for you.

i hated to see you angry, you know that. you knew that i hated when people yelled at me -- especially my father.

do you remember that night i invited you to sleep over because my parents said they would be out of town again? that was the night we first had sex and i fell completely in love with you.

you treated me with such respect and care. you made sure i felt safe and secure beneath you. you made sure i knew you loved me. and i did, i felt all that. you were so good to me.

later on that night my father barged into my room. he saw us together naked in bed. he screamed at us as we changed into our scattered clothes underneath my blanket.

once you were dressed, he dragged you into the dining room. i'm still so sorry for that, you didn't deserve to be treated so badly after you treated me so good.

my father yelled at you and told you that you had taken advantage of me. he called you every names you were not. i was so embarrassed.

"you little whore," my father turned to me and walked towards me. you didn't know about my home life nor did i ever want you to find out. my father slapped me across my face and you tried to stop him from doing it again, but my dad pushed you aside. you grabbed my arm and tried pulled me away but i shook my head.

you seen my dad hit me and call me horrible names. this happened every night as i grew up. you quickly caught on as all this commotion was happening. you looked at me with sad eyes knowing you couldn't help me in any possible way. i understood completely. no one can never help the sad girl. no one.

my father threw a punch at me, but missed me by a hair. he punched the wall instead of my face. i was so lucky. that punch would have knocked me out.

my father screamed at us once more and kicked us both out of the house. we drove silently for hours around the town. we weren't ready to talk about what happened earlier. we found our way going to your house. we snuck into your room and i cuddled next to you and cried.

i cried until i couldn't catch my breath. i cried until my voice was hoarse and my cheeks were raw. you cried for me too, you cried because you couldn't save me from my home. you held onto me tight because you thought if you let go, i would somehow get hurt and leave you. but, somethings change because i did leave.

"i'll always love you. i'll try my best to keep you safe," you kissed my forehead and pulled me closer to you.

"i love you, calum," i whisper as i sniffle.

"you know you have to tell someone."

i escape from your grasp and panic. i shake my head fast as a different sensation travels throughput my body. i couldn't describe it, and to this day i could never describe to you my panic attacks. i lose my breath causing my mouth to go completely dry. my eyes began to get heavy and my heartbeat was so rapid i could have passed out. you tried so hard to help me calm down. you tried everything, but in the end you got me to regain my composer.

the look on your face was so scary. i'm sorry you had to deal with all my attacks. i'm sorry you always felt the need to help me with something that was impossible to fix.

"please don't tell," i beg you.

i could see the apprehensive look on your face. i know that's not what you wanted to do, but you respected my choice, "okay, but tell me why not?"

"that's the beauty of a secret. you know you're supposed to keep it," i say. you didn't understand it, but neither did i. i still don't know why i didn't let you tell anyone. maybe if i did tell someone, my life wouldn't be this way. hopefully you still kept that promise. though if you did, it wouldn't matter now.

always with you,

ashley nicolette. x