Destiel, Sabriel, samifer.. fuck it just all of the ships

DESTIEL

Seasons 9 and 10 never happened

(Warning references to john winchester abusing Dean) inspired by Dollhouse

Castiel can't love me!
Dean's mind was screaming at him as he lay in bed the night after they kissed I'm fucking broken everyone who stuck around me to figure that out ended up dead any way

Even Sam ran to Stanford as soon as he could, ran away from Dean.
Logically he knew it was to escape John but that didn't matter.
He started the apocalypse and got everyone killed at least once.
What would dad think about this?
I'm supposed to be a man. Men don't kiss other men, don't want to be held by strong arms and just cry.

Sam Is the one who told him to talk to Castiel, to "man up and tell him how you feel"
If Dean mentioned their father he knew Sam would just roll his eyes and mutter good little soldier. Even as he slowly walked to Castiel's room he felt the anxiety pile on and had to compose himself before knocking.

"Yes?"
Dean took a deep breath "um its me.. Can I come in?"
"Of course, Dean"

As he opened the door he put on a cheery face "whatcha up to?"
"Just reading... Humans pour their emotions into everything they do and its heartbreakingly amazing.. Father truly was correct in making you"
"Heh they really are something"
Castiel tabbed a page and closed his book "you are uneasy. Are you sick?"

Yeah in the damn head

"No I just wanted to talk... Well actually Sam sent me in here, after threatening me"

"Why would he threaten you?" Castiel asked with a head- tilt

"Because..becauseIReallyLikeYouAndIKnowYouDontFeelTheSame"

"What?"

"I know its wrong and you're perfect but I.. Really like you"

"I like you to Dean, this is nothing new"

Dean groaned "no I mean I..I want to kiss you" he almost whispered the last words

"Oh" Castiel nodded

Fuck he's gonna hate m- His thoughts effectively stopped when there were soft lips on his forehead, which means yes Castiel was standing on his tippy toes.

"Dean, come sit on the bed"
He let himself be lead by Castiel until he was pushed down softly "Dean what is going on in that glorious mind of yours?"
" 'ts not 'glorious' "he muttered but continued "you can't like me.. I'm a fuck up, daddy's little soldier. I need orders or I fuck everything up"

Suddenly there was a arm around his shoulders "Why would you ever say that?"

"Bobby tried to give me 'n Sammy a normal day when we were kids. You know, day in the park, tossing a ball and pigging out on burgers.. When dad found out, all hell broke loose. He almost shot Bobby and screamed at me.... What if I had missed out on crucial training? Sam could have died.