BIG MAN: A Wake-Up Call for Women

Chapter 8 - Bitch

You stood up for yourself, bitch. You spoke your mind, bitch. You used true words, bitch. How many of us can relate to being referred to this way for confronting a bully, and yet if we see a video on the internet of a child standing up to a bully, or a group doing the same thing, we applaud them. We feel a sense of satisfaction knowing the bad guys didn't win this round. We love the scene from the movie 'Good Will Hunting' where Will stands up to the intellectual snob who was patronising his friend in front of a woman. How do you like them apples? But when a woman stands up to her abuser... Bitch. Has he called you this yet? Has he attempted to vilify your character because you weren't going to allow him to demean you, disrespect you, brush you to one side, subjugate you to his boring monopoly over your every breath?

I had a friend who was married for ten years to an incredible asshole. He humiliated her in public, flirted with other women right in front of her, commanded her around the home, prevented her from staying on the phone too long, subjected her to perverted sexual practices she was not comfortable with, insulted her family and friends, most of whom she lost contact with during this time, and subjugated her completely to his delusional sense of superiority. He was a narcissistic patriarch in every respect. She tolerated it because "He's my husband" and her religious convictions at the time had taught her that a husband must be honoured, and obeyed. The mistake many of us make is assuming that being committed to a relationship means we have to tolerate poor treatment. This is actually an insanity which has infected millions of homes all over the world. If you find yourself walking on eggshells, afraid to speak, unsure whether or not he will flare up if you bring something important to his attention, reluctant to stand up for your self in case the situation turns ugly, yet you remain in this relationship regardless, you have a serious issue that needs immediate attention. I'm not writing this book to refer you to counsellors or help-lines, I am your warning. It may not be your first warning, nor may it be your last, but I at least hope you listen very closely. A relationship, a marriage, is supposed to be a healthy union of two people. Emphasis on 'healthy', double emphasis on 'union'. If your relationship is not healthy, nor is there any type of genuine union, this is not a relationship. Again, it is a hostage situation. Marriage is not supposed to be the oppressive dominance of one over the other. Never has been and it never will be. That you continue to participate in a relationship with a man who treats you this way is quite possibly the only thing actually wrong with you. Don't allow yourself to be conned by whisperings of forgiveness and patience and compassion and tolerance because he is your husband and this is what some relationships require, grand gestures of human virtue akin to the traits of saints. Obviously, the odd spat is nothing to be concerned about. Many schools of thought consider the occasional argument as being part of a healthy relationship. We are addressing his consistent poor treatment of you, his constant disrespect and no it doesn't matter if there were a few days where he seemed much nicer, if all it took was one frustration for him to boil over again. He has anger issues and they are not your job to fix. It is, however, his job, to fix himself, and treat you well.

You may not even be the feeble type of woman who cowers in fear whenever he enters the room. You might be the feisty type who always speaks up when he is out of line, but standing up to him successfully doesn't mean that you should stay in the relationship, which again, is not a relationship if it becomes necessary for you to 'stand up for yourself' on a regular basis. Notice that thing he does when he calls you a bitch, or a mad cow, or a viper, or any other derogatory term to privately slander your character. Notice it. He is telling you that your worth can only be determined by your level of obedience to him. Failure to comply means you are less of a person, worse still, a nasty person. Do we understand how insane this is. By exercising your right of reply in self-defence, you are a bitch. Understand how insane this is. The double standard he displays is beyond sickening, his hypocrisy an outright joke, yet despite his flawed 'logic', he still expects you to obey him, not question him, not challenge him, not stand up to him. There's that male pride again we spoke of in an earlier chapter. It appears there is no end to it, but there can be an end to it for you, if you are prepared to do what is right for yourself.

'Bitch' is the first sign that you are heading for trouble in any escalating argument. The name-calling starts. The words you exchange with each other become more caustic. You're shooting poison arrows at each other on the 'battlefield of love' then bam. Out of nowhere he opts for his lowest tactic; dominating you with his physical strength. If only you would just shut up he wouldn't need to. Folly. He has every opportunity to leave the room, the house, the suburb, even you, but he chooses none of these because any of those actions would defeat his purpose. He is enjoying this argument because you have given him the very thing he wants: your undivided attention. It doesn't matter how he gets it, as long as he has it. He participates willingly in the mud-slinging match because it fuels him. He knows he is in the dominant position because he is physically stronger than you. If it were ever the arguing that really bothered him, he wouldn't participate, but he does. You questioned him, and now you will pay for doing so with hours of mental and emotional abuse, threats and strong-arm tactics until either you leave the house, or he shuts you up in his own spectacularly cowardly way.

It is important to understand that an abuser lives for the abuse. Any excuse to continue his dominance, anything that might set him off, he's ready, and he's waiting for it. He's waiting for that opportunity to hold something against you, to add another point to his scoreboard, to have something he can remind you of in future, something he can tell his friends at the pub, anything, to keep his chest-beating male pride alive and triumphant. Bitch. Don't you know, that exercising your own mind in opposition to his, is an incredible assault on his ego. How dare you. He is king and lord of his domain. You are merely his obedient servant. It is not for you to step outside your rank and challenge anyone in authority, let alone your own spouse, with whom you thought you had an agreement. What sort of agreement is left, if every vow of your contract has been broken? When any contract is broken in the business world, there is cause for great concern among the wronged. They sue. They correct the error. They are compensated for damages incurred. But not you. The only compensation you receive is the enormous sense of freedom you feel when you finally leave. The rest of you is tired, confused, sad, and alone. Bitch.

There will be other civilisations, out there somewhere, in a galaxy far far away, where peace, love and understanding exist between the members of their specie, where males have evolved to perform their true function, and women have become too smart to ever settle for anything less than immaculate treatment. Some say these people exist on our own planet, and I am certain they do. It is vital to count yourself as one of them, not only for your own benefit, but for the benefit of abusers who may, in time, and after much counselling, realise, that they have the potential to evolve into kinder, real men. How they might go about doing this is not the focus of this book, and it is certainly not anything you need concern yourself with for as long as you remain with him. Never accept the label of 'Bitch' just because he can't let you be you, nor exercise your right to defend yourself. We are not bitches, no matter how many times the rap industry says it, no matter how many times we are called it, no matter how many egotistical males say so.

A bitch is a female dog, remember. What do we get if we spell 'dog' backwards? Maybe it is time to correct this backward thinking and embrace our ability to be sharp, intelligent, and honest. Reject the word 'bitch', and realise that in most instances, it is only ever exclaimed, when you are correct. So much for that male rationale he claims belongs to only him, bitch.