Comfortably Numb (Kellic)

Chapter Nineteen

You say you're fine, when you've lost your sway and glow.

They're talking. I'm not listening. They're crying. I can't anymore. They're all crowded around his casket. I'm standing beside a tree a few feet away.

No one knows me. None of them know what I've sat through with Kellin. No one knows how I've kissed his scars and held his bloody body in my arms while he begged to die. No one knows how I held his lifeless body. Not one of them knows. And they don't need to.

I'm the one that fell for a broken boy. I'm the boy that didn't want to think about the day that this would inevitability happen. I'm the boy that couldn't save the broken one.

My mother used to tell me that I'd cut myself if I ever tried to pick up the pieces of a broken mirror. She said it was pointless to anyways. A broken mirror can be glued and taped, and it'll never be right again. Once broken, always broken. It just takes time before you fall apart again. And the last time, it won't be fixed.

I don't know how to deal with this. A light is burned out. Another body in the ground. Except for he isn't just another. He's Kellin Quinn. Someone fell for him. The world was just a bit too cruel to him. He's a boy that couldn't handle it alone. No one should have to be alone. Though when he reached out, it was too late.

The second they began lowering his casket, I turned on my heels and left. The cool wind whipped through my hair. My nose and cheeks felt frozen. It'd be the first thing I've felt besides pain.

I slid into my front seat, taking a deep shaky breath. It bubbled up and out. I shouted. Incoherent words mixed in with slurs of cursing. I hit the wheel several times. My fists clenched so tightly, my knuckles turned white.

This isn't real.

Oh, but it is. And it hurts. So fucking much.

---

Do you know that pain you get in your chest when you just want to be with someone so bad? I wonder if biology can explain that. Because I just want it to stop. But it won't. It never will because he's gone. Just like that. Life just snatches things from you when you take them for granted; and I really fucked it up this time.

Something borderline anger filled my veins. There's so many things I regret. Mother used to say forget regret. But she's not here anymore. My sight's going red again.

Whatever I could touch, whatever I grabbed, I threw it at the wall. I threw it where ever it went. The red is filtering through and I can't handle it. I've never been this mad in years.

The drywall crumbled around my fist before I knew it. I'm not in control of my actions. Neither was Kellin. He was happy. I was happy. I just accepted the fact I liked him a little more than I thought. Hell, I think I loved him.

I tugged at my hair, some form of a scream coming from my lips. And that's all I did. For the rest of the night. I cried afterwards, drowning in my own self pity. Alone.

---

Jeans and a hoodie, I sat on the sidewalk in the same place I found him that day. Not hurt, lying on the ground bleeding, but here, happy. It was raining. I didn't even know his name, but I found myself intrigued with the boy.

Then those assholes showed up. There's no telling what he ran home to do. I did follow him, yes. Only because I worried. I sat out by a tree. He didn't come back out until his mother went home. I remember seeing him look so distant. I couldn't see his eyes, but I could tell you they were far away. He was never really in this world.

I stood up, walking in the direction towards his house.

---

I ran my fingers over the splintering bark. This is the exact place he said he'd give me a chance to help him. Little did I know, at the time, that he needed saving. I just thought I had stumbled over a sad boy. He was so much more than sad.

I remember taking him the mall. I asked to see his scars. God, there had to be over a thousand. His arm was welped, mutilated. I felt so bad. This boy needed someone. Had anyone ever been there for him? Had anyone ever extended a hand to him willing to listen? He couldn't handle the world.

There's always a calm before the storm. Now, I'm left in ruins. The world doesn't notice the small town that's broken after the hurricane that hit it. It's just left to suffer alone. I don't know how long I can last like this. I don't see how Kellin ever dealt with this kind of pain.

People walk by, laughing, happy, lacking care. I wonder if they know the things that go on inside some people's minds. The destructive thoughts and need. I wonder how many of them are those people. Those that put on those fake smiles just so others don't notice their pain. They want to be ignored. Or do they? Deep down, I think everyone wants to be saved. No one deserves to live that way.

---

The days blurred together. I no longer felt like I had any control over myself, or my feelings. I spent the days drinking and the nights crying myself to sleep. Any normal person would've thought what Kellin and I shared was nothing more than friends. But what we had ran deeper than skin. It ran in out veins. Kind of like, as cliché as it sounds, we were made for one another. Our hearts beat out rhythms that spelled one another's name. Except mine is the only one beating anything anymore.

I don't know what day it is. I stopped my online college work. I'm sure it's going to have one hell of a negative impact once I start back again, but right now I couldn't care less. Nothing mattered anymore. I've tried, believe me. I can't concentrate on anything besides the way his voice sounded or the way his lips felt on mine. His fingers tangled in mine and his heart thumping against his chest. Every little moment. Those are what meant the most. The way his eyes would squint when he laughed. Or the way his real smile showed his teeth. His undying love for music. All of that, his flaws, mistakes, everything made him who he was. Was.

I chuckled to myself, remembering just how much he loved the rain. Kellin, my darling, sadly, it can't rain all the time. God knows how you'd love for it to.

Another wave of pain rolled over me. How does it hurt so fucking much?

Deep breath in, swallow some of the vodka, deep breath out. Repeat until the pain goes away. But that's the catch.

The pain gets worse the more you keep drinking.

But do we ever learn?