Everyday Pain

6. Trying hard.

I slept with guilt the day that I had made such a blunt decision. I sort of blocked the poor guy on every social network I was connected to. I even blocked his number so I couldn't receive his texts. I was blowing myself a bubble that was going to help me isolate. He was a huge distraction and if his messages would've appeared on my screen, I wouldn't have been able to resist in feeling sorry for him.

What I was doing was heartless and rude, but, I just didnt understand how to let him go subtly. I knew exactly how he was feeling. Like no one was made to bother about you. As if there was absolutely no one that you can rely that they shall be gentle with your feelings. You feel awfully dreaded. As if you're losing your faith of finding anyone loyal enough. It wasn't like I hadn't ever been shutout like that before. Obviously, he was going to survive and live on, so the pain I was giving him was only temporary, I think..

At school, he'd try to corner me somehow so we could talk. He even tried getting into the same elevator, thinking I couldn't escape anywhere and that listening to him would be my only option.

It happened so once that we encountered one another in the same elevator- he did this intentionally. Bradley had his words pre-planned and went right according to his script. "What's going on Jessica? Please talk to me about it." His brows drooped sadly over his eyes. Hope fluttered in his every blink and I felt ashamed. Despite this, I looked the other way and acted like I had heard nothing- emotionless, expressionless, heartless.

It felt like I had just placed a huge boulder on my already throbbing heart. I heard Brad sigh; never had I ever witnessed a sigh full of such despair before. I tried my best to hold back my tears, my hands clenched tight into fists as if that would help me conceal the pain, eyes tightly shut forming deep wrinkles around them. Arms crossed, eyes glistening with tears yet to glide ever so gently off of my cheeks and with a heart shredding up into countless pieces, i stood there terrified that my emotions would get the best of me. Even after this incidence, if we would encounter one another, I just acted like no one is there. I would be as if I never even knew him. Brad? Brad, who?

Yes, I know what you're thinking, "Gosh, if she really loves him then what's the big deal? Why is she doing this? She's crazy", right? Well, yeah. Maybe I was crazy and it was for my own good. I can't bear weaknesses and those, I had quite a few, including him. So it Wasn't easy for me either. Besides, if you truly love someone it's best to let them go and that's exactly what I did. I just can't fulfill expectations coming from others but I myself expect a lot. That is not my fault though, I was just made that way and there is nothing I can do about it.

When I started keeping a distance with Brad, I found myself getting pulled back. Not towards him, rather, I felt this force that was entangling me to drag me back to the doom I was in before. I guess I was right, love is temporary, or is it? Makes you think right? Me too.

I'm pretty sure you aren't yet sure of what other problems I had in life. It's easy to evaluate by now that I did and still do have issues. No one likes to spill everything all at once. Even if we really do want to let everything out, we can't. All that can sometimes escape from our mouth is carbon dioxide. After all, Bite after bite is what allows you to really enjoy your dessert. Lets follow this rule. A little suspense is always healthy and it is what makes life worth living. If we know everything all at once, then we tend to lose interest and the capability to work hard in order to plan the future.

Brad's eyes were very attractive as you have already repeatedly seen me going on about them. Whenever he used to pass by, he would give me a very deep and disappointed look. I'd feel like his gaze would be burning the wall between us. That maybe he could see through me and I had become transparent. All of my flaws, feelings, and secrets...exposed.

That 'look' was becoming a nightmare. Imagine somebody staring at you with such beautiful but muddled brown eyes..You can't look away and you can't face them either. His every move was very sleek but I just had to stay away! Why? I had always accepted the fact that there Is no such thing as affection and being affectionate is temporary. Whatever I had said, I could not go against it. Also, I knew I wasn't good for him. Not at all.

I was trying so hard to keep away from him and focus on my midterms that were up in only 8 days. Unfortunately, it felt useless since even whilst studying, part of me would me lurking around him. I did my best in covering all of the syllabus that was to come in my exams. I was intensely worried about them. I had never fallen below an A grade and I had to keep it that way or else people were going to wonder.

I tried hard to stay as away as possible. To be honest, it was working pretty well too. We were as if we knew each other but just couldn't see each other. As if we weren't talking but we still knew what existed unsaid behind our tongues. People had started to notice us being in far corners. No one had questioned us about it though. They shouldn't have either since it was a very personal matter.

I had strongly started to think that maybe Bradley had understood my situation. Maybe even by asking Avery or Joe, my two closest mates. It was illogical though to think that someone might understand me without having no clue. But I guess I just believed that our bond was strong enough for him to see through me. Though every time I did think that he could, I'd feel almost naked. And nothing is comfortable about that feeling. I wasn't much depressed about avoiding him now. I was just strongly believing that everything was resolved without any effort. I'd sometimes ask Joe how Brad would be. He would tell me that Brad acts normal, as if nothing is bothering him.

That upsetted me a bit because I thought maybe I had started to fade away from his life. At the same time i was also very happy for him that he had maybe understood my position and was now helping me. He was safe from me. It was everything I wanted for him. Things were going okay I guess until I noticed a new and irregular behavior of Bradley that bothered me alot. 'Please don't do this to me', was all I could say to myself with the thought of him. Oh lord, where was my life taking me?