Everyday Pain

4. Is this love?

I actually had an amazing time that day. It was as if my faith in smiling had been restored again. He seemed to be a very genuine lad, any girl's dream for sure!

His hair looked so soft, it was almost impossible to resist admiring them or running your hand through them. Long, fine, silky and dark. They looked as if they were almost weightless but were the right amount of thickness and darkness too. He was perfect from every angle, tip to toe. Not only his looks, but he had a very elegant and old school way of talking. It was truly adorable and quite unique too. His height was the perfect length- enough for an average heighted girl to listen to his every heart beat whilst embracing him. His eyes? His oh so very beautiful eyes.. Don't even get me started on that! Lets just say that they were the biggest brownest, almost black eyes I had ever seen. In fact, I am convinced they changed color. Whether it was because of the light he would be in or because of a change in his mood, they were magical. They held a bottomless ocean. An ocean I craved to dive into over and over, deeper and deeper.

Knowing that he preferred me to such an extent did make me feel a little tickle on the inside. Despite this, I would tell myself time to time that none of this was real.

At home, one evening, dinner was served and I was somehow lost in never ending thoughts that were jogging at the back of my mind. Away from the world and lurking somewhere far from the present.

"Jess? Where are you lost?" said Dad. Mum then asked curiously, "Do you not like the food, Jessica?" I came back into reality, like being struck by lighting, and replied, "Oh it's nothing. I am just really tired and want to get some rest. Excuse me, please... " and with that I left the dining table and headed up towards my room. "What's happening to me? I feel all light and tingly. As if there is no burden on me. For once I actually don't feel lonely or upset. It is like I have nothing to worry about. Why am I always so concerned about how I look? Why do I suddenly feel much prettier than before? This way, life is so much better and enjoyable." This was exactly what was running through my mind at that instant and then the idea hit me.. "Am I in love? Oh my God! I think, I am. Ugh, I'm so disappointed in myself. How could I bow down so low, so soon?"

Now I know that this may sound crazy but I always thought that falling in love meant losing your dignity and becoming a weaker version of ourselves. Yes, I know. I sound ego-istic but it was just something that I strongly felt. Everyone knew about my opinion of love and it was one of the reasons that people knew me as a stubborn little brat who cares about her ego and dignity more than she does about her feelings. But who cared? Their opinion of me didn't do me any wrong and I had every right to think differently. After all, what's the fun in being the same as the rest? It's actually pretty healthy to be the unique self.

This 'delusional' feeling was quite contemporary for me. It was a whole new experience. I seemed to be more buoyant than usual. I felt light on my feet but something else that I felt just didn't seem right.. It was like a warning. A warning that this was not going to end well. I simply carried on with this alien like feeling, hoping that things wouldn't get too serious. Turned out that the more I tried to resist the thought of him, the more I wanted to spend hours and hours recalling every second we had spent together. I was so scared of being in love that I would spend most of my time fighting with my own conscience. It was like a war that my heart had waged against my mind. Or like two different souls arguing in the same body. Everything seemed very fallacious. Oh well...

Days kept flying by and I tried my best to avoid Brad, but some how small chats and meet ups happened anyways. The more I got to know him, the more influenced I was. Influenced, towards this wonderful feeling of.. What do they call it? Love. I knew that what was happening to me was erroneous and that it should end soon since it was temporary. I guess I liked feeling good about myself for once. I just wanted to make use of the moment while it lasted. So keeping in mind that all of this was just by the second, I tried to live in a happier way- living in a little cottage of thoughts that revolved around him and him only.

School was over and an hour had passed but mum didn't pick me up. "Mind if I drop you off?" said Brad quite smoothly. It brought unusual yet pleasurable shivers down my back. "Umm, not really, I guess." replied I while texting mum that I'm coming back with a friend. I jumped into his red convertible and we drove away. During the journey, I was facing outwards and in the opposite direction to Brad because, honestly, I just did not want to drown in those eyes again. Only because once I did, it was like there was no escape. I felt like I was being watched, so I turned around and Brad was already gazing at me with those killer eyes. He stopped the car alongside the pavement, both of us gazed into each other's eyes for a good 2 mins. I completely melted from the inside during those wonderful, wonderful 2 minutes.

" SO IS THIS YOUR FRIEND, JESSICA? " shouted my mum whilst coming out of the house. Both of us were alarmed and snapped back to turn to see who was talking. It was as if we had been caught doing something we shouldn't have been doing. "I guess I'm home now.. " said I. "Yeah, urh, Good afternoon Mrs. White!" He greeted my mum and slightly pushed his hair back. "Well thanks for the ride, see ya! " I exclaimed. ''Oh, well, hello there. Why don't you join us for lunch, Brad?" mum said. I was rather pissed that she had invited him to lunch without asking me. "Yeah sure, I guess I can" Said he with the most charming smile. His teeth reflecting the sunlight.

At the table, things were quite awkward. Whilst me, dad and Bradley were at the table, discussions never ended. Tempting fumes of the aroma of roasted chicken was making our tummies roar. Dad started questioning Brad about his family, ambitions and dreams. Brad didn't mind answering them. Rather he took it as a token of interest and approval from my parents. Dinner was finally served and we started to feed ourselves. Mum and dad were chatting away with him and I kept poking my baked beans. Every second seemed so long. That was only because I wasn't really participating in the chats. I felt really demure, to be honest. Only if mother wasn't winking at me, I would've been able to utter something at least. At last, lunch was over and Brad was about to leave.

"Do you need some help with your jacket, lad?" Dad offered. "Jessica will help him do that, can you please help me with the dishes honey?" Mother took dad away to leave me and Brad with some privacy. I handed him his coat and told him to buckle up since it was frosty outside. We just held eye contact for a few minutes, it was enough for me to forget any scar. "I better get going then" said Bradly with a little giggle. I replied with a smile saying "Yeah, sure..". We didn't say anything, he just smiled and left. It was enough to keep me up for another few nights.