IN MEMORIAM-TOŠE PROESKI (25.01.1981-16.10.2007)

Don't Close Your Heart

This is an ending, this is the final chapter of the memoriam. So far I shed so much of my soul in this story, I shed my love here. The kind that I wished with my broken, all over the place heart. I wished a love without passion so that the love can never be killed by it. It was the purest wish I ever made. Now I'm sad as writing this chapter, as achieveing another milestone, closing another door. Knowing that I cried as much as Vardar.

They say that people go on living as long as they are remembered. Then I can honestly say that you will go on living for a long time. I will do whatever I can to remember you, to remind you. A person said that I should stop listening, working your material and I wept a lot. Another person told what a good thing I was doing and not to stop. As you can understand I chose the second one. I chose healing instead of staying broken. In the end I paid the debt with the halves of my heart and soul but it is better than being broken.

I did that. I closed my heart to myself. Locked myself into a room and made a prisoner out of myself. It was the most devastating mistake I ever made. I was like a soulles body roaming around. People got scared but when I met you this changed. If today I can say that I'm not carrying emotions, I'm living them it is all thanks to you Toše.

As young as 13, I got into the world of translating. I couldn't have known that it was going to bring me to the point where I am today. It became a big part of me, that love turned into a lifetime decision when I chose it as a major at the university. I have met so many people that way. People who are dead, alive, translators... We help each other too. I help the older, the younger but when I need help I learnt to ask for it. I never did that because someone told me that I should help the needy but never ask for help. She was so wrong. Now I started to understand but it took a lot of time.

In the beginning of this year -5 days after your 34th birthday- I decided to give a chance to a man that was mentioned in a chatbox. I said "Naa, I will give a chance to this guy too." and I listened to the most successful song of your career. Then I said "I will translate this and research whoever he is" then I saw that you were dead long ago, to be exact 8 years ago. I cried because of the fact that such a young soul was gone too soon.

Lyrics helped me, they made me unleash whatever was leashed inside me. I stopped absorbing like a sponge and left whatever I had. I know that my heart isn't a stone, I know that your heart wasn't a stone. So please my angel, my healer, the one who has my half... I beg you, don't close your heart under any circumstances and please hug us, your fans, even the posthumous ones... I beg you because when I finally glide there I want to find you under the cherry tree with closed eyes and open arms for me, Toše.