PotterGang

Detention with Longbottom

Albus woke up on a bed covered in yellow everything.

Must be the Hufflepuff Hangout.

He sat up and rubbed his head, a large patch of hair missing from the back. He guessed that it was burned off, judging by the smell of, you know... burning hair.

"What is wrong with you?," some boy yelled at Albus from the doorway across the room. "Why did they even let you in here after you talked nothing but absolute cack about Hufflepuffs?"

"Uhh. Wait a sec--"

Albus' vision cleared to see Teddy Lupin standing in front of him.

"Teddy? What the heck are you doing here? Didn't you graduate, like, three years ago?"

Teddy looked offended.

"I do what I want, Albus."

"Uh. Okay... Why am I missing hair on the top of my head?"

Suddenly 84 Hufflepuffs entered the room and started laughing.

"Don't you know?" Teddy laughed. "James almost lasered your knickers and all trying to calm you down. Which brings me back to my original point."

All Huffles stopped laughing and started glaring. Albus felt incredibly awkward.

"I just really wanted to be in Gryffindor, I guess."

"Well, either way: you have detention with Professor Longbottom for a month. You also have to apologize to Lolita for chopping her hair off, dive to the bottom of the lake and find the Sorting Hat, and then fix the window you chucked it out of," Teddy explained.

"Voldemort's nostrils!" Albus cried.

***

An hour later, Albus was walking toward the Herbology building to serve his detention with the teacher.

Haven't even been at Hawgwarts a day and I'm already an outcast.

Thanks, Dad.

He walked in the building and saw a weird guy in a fez standing over some plants.

Oh, wait. I meant a pointy wizard hat. Sorry, Eleventh Doctor.

"I'm here for detention," Albus sighed.

The pointy wizard hat guy turned and grinned.

"Hello there. I am Professor Neville Longbottom. And you must be.."

"Albus Severus Potter."

Professor Longbottom looked shocked.

"Potter? You're one of Harry's kids!"

"Yeah. Duh."

Then P. Longbottom looked confused.

Albus decided to call him P. Longbottom, because he didn't feel like saying the whole two words in his head.

"You've never heard of me either?" he asked Albus.

"No..."

Then P. Longbottom reached onto his plant table and pulled something that looked like a joint out of a jar. He said a spell to light it.

"You want some?" he asked in between puffs.

"Uhmm. No," Albus said. "Why is it such a surprise that you're a stranger to me?"

P. Longbottom coughed a few times and then passed the joint to Albus, even though he declined.

"Oh, I don't know! I was only your dad's friend for ten years! I only saved your aunt and uncle's lives from a freaking anaconda!"

Albus wasn't at all interested in what the professor was saying, so he switched subjects.

"P. Longbottom?"

"Crikey! Who is P. Longbottom?"

"Is this just a marijuana greenhouse?"

"There are a few Mandrakes in the corner over there," he replied. "Ready to start detention?"

Albus and P. Longbottom started off to the lake to find the Sorting Hat. The professor gave him some sort of capsule that he claimed gave you gills, but Al was pretty sure it was just a marijuana pill.

After dragging the soaking paper towel of the lake and returning it to the name-call woman, they began fixing the window. P. Longbottom picked up pieces of glass and started trying to stick them together, stabbing himself in the process. 45 minutes and two mauled hands later, Albus decided to ask a question.

"P. Longbottom? Couldn't we just magic this window back together?"

"SHUT UP HUFFLEPUFF!"

They half-fixed the window and then went off to find Lolita, the girl that got a unexpected haircut from Albus. She was sitting on a bench outside, trying to read a book upside down. She hissed when she saw Albus.

"Um. Lolita. I wanted to apologize for chopping off your hair."

She kept hissing, getting down like Gollum would.

"You have to admit, though," he continued. "It was pretty great. I mean, come on."

Lolita's eyes got wide, and she ducked for the pounce. Before she could hurt Albus, Rose Weasley yelled at him from across the yard.

"Al! The headmaster wants to see you."