The Diary of a Bitch

The Mess Inside My Mind

Monday September 21st, 2015

I'm sitting in my room, laying in bed and watching old YouTube videos. I should be in school but I chose not to go today. The passing of Daniel Kyre has shocked me out of my body and into this little space in my mind. Within that space I listen to my own doubts, my regrets, and my insecurities.

I doubt that I'm good enough. I doubt that I can ever get over the stupid things. I doubt that I am going to wake up tomorrow and be able to face whatever the day holds.

I regret how awfully mean I can be. I regret how I let people control me. I regret how I distanced myself from those who mean most because of my own selfish reasons. I regret opening my eyes today and being able to smile at silly videos.

I'm insecure about my voice, my smile, my hair, my eyes. I'm insecure about my height. I'm insecure about my weight. I'm insecure about my personality because I don't show the real me.

Suicide isn't the answer. It never will be. I know how hard it can be to wish things gone, to want to just be free of pain. But I promise that there is something out there for you. That something that will hold you up when you need it. I wish everyone could see how much I care and how much I wish I could fix all the bad in their lives.

But I can't. I'm just a bitch. A grammar Nazi, a dumb woman who has no friends. I regret coming off so obnoxiously rude when I comment on stories- but at the same time, I can't help it. Grammar is my stability. Grammar is my parental guidance. My law of the land resides within the minds of intelligent authors.

But I'm just a bitch. And I can't make anyone think otherwise.

Rest in peace, Daniel, wherever you are.