The Diary of a Bitch

Bet You Didn't Expect This

Thursday December 17, 2015

Whoa I'm alive. Big surprise.

... The picture above is not me. It's my sister. She was gorgeous. Still is, really. Her biggest insecurity, that she told me, is that she doesn't look like an Amanda. People say we look alike. I search for it but it evades my eyes like cockroaches from light...

I'm just making this to tell you (not like you care) that my friend... My ex friend... The one who I told to 'fuck off'...

Christine. Her name was Christine, okay? She was seventeen years old and committed suicide. And she left me a letter. Her family read it before they sent it to me via police... I don't really know why they sent the cops with it instead of giving it to me directly. Perhaps they were afraid of me.

"Hey Samantha. I bet you're probably expecting an 'I hate you' letter. Well you're not getting it. I knew what you were doing right from the start. I've always known. You push people away like a drop of isopropyl alcohol in those watercolor paints that you loved so much... And you expected me not to notice? Sammy (I know you hate that, but get over it) Sammy I love you. You're my best friend. My sister, practically. Well, you were... Anyway... I know you didn't mean it when you sent me away. But I didn't fight back. Why? Because. At first it was just because I needed to think of something to say to you to change your stubborn mind... But then... You remember Alex? Yeah, well, he came back for me. Like he said he would. He knocked on my window the night after you decided to push me away and he begged my forgiveness. Of course I didn't give it. But he noticed I'd been crying and asked me if it was because I did something stupid. I told him no, but he freaked out and asked me who I'd slept with and if I was pregnant. He went into my bathroom, Samantha. He tore it apart, insisting I'd taken a pregnancy test... He was going to wake my parents and so I panicked. I hit him. I hadn't hit him since that day... Samantha why would you do this to me? Why would you leave me to deal with him all on my own? You promised me... He choked me. He smashed my face into the door and waited for me to drop to the floor so he could kick me. He kicked me in the stomach, muttering things about abortion. He wouldn't rest until he had me promise to take a pregnancy test. I took one the next night. He bought it. It was negative, of course. But you know Alex, he bought more. I'd taken five before he accepted that I was not pregnant at all. And then he raped me. Just like he used to. And I cried. And I wished I could have run to you, but I couldn't have because you didn't want me to. And so I let him. I told everyone I slipped in the bathroom, and they believed me because that's just what Christine does, right? Christine the klutz. I know you still care about me, Samantha. I know you'd deny it if I asked... But I know you and you know I do. Does that scare you? That someone actually loves you enough to not listen to a word you say... Does it even matter anymore? Don't do this to yourself, Sammy. Get help. Please. I had to go. Because Alex... He didn't stop. Night after night he'd return and night after night he refused protection. I asked my parents for birth control and they freaked out on me. They thought I was being a whore. Christine the klutz and the whore? No thanks. It doesn't have the same ring to it. As you could probably tell, I didn't get the birth control. And I couldn't tell my parents about Alex either. But... Damn it Samantha we used to dream about this day... The day I'd get pregnant was supposed to be years from now, when we were both happily married and everything was okay. But it didn't happen. Life is strange that way. Let's hope death is much more kind, right?

That's why I had to go... But you... You don't have to. You know you don't.

Love ya Samantha."

This seems pretty personal to post- but at this point I don't care anymore. I hardly have any readers anyway, so it's not like I'm broadcasting this worldwide...

Alex was Christine's boyfriend from middle school. She was fifteen and he was nineteen when they got together. He abused her, a lot. And one day I stood up to him and she joined me, but I pushed him down the stairs... He broke his arm. And then he left the house without a word. He didn't come back. Christine got a message from him on Facebook about a week before I stopped talking to her... And he said he was going to come back for her someday, that he still loved her.

Christine is dead and that's one more person on my list that I should have talked too before it got to be too late. And now it is too late...

I went to her funeral and her family glared at me but I needed to be there. She looked so beautiful, so lively. Her long hair was curled and she glowed like an angel. Who knew casket was the perfect accessory?

It should have been me.

Anyway, fuck you. Fuck all of you.

Not seriously, just...

I'm sorry.

I've been gone and left little explanation at all. I told you 'very, very soon' and I lied. I lied and I knew I was lying when I said it because I tried to kill myself a few days after I said that. Because I knew it was coming anyway.

I'm a jerk, I know. Shut up.

I'm a hypocrite and a bitch and a fucked up kid.

I failed, obviously, I'm still here. I failed because it wasn't apparent to me that pipes break. Especially with a woman hanging from it... And so it fucking broke and spilled water everywhere in the basement and I just sat in the middle of a huge puddle and cried like the little bitch I am. It took me an hour to gain the strength to untie the belt and make the basement look just like some freaky occurrence happened. I told my sister when she got home that I'd heard a bang and went downstairs to see the pipe exploded. It's going to cost a lot to fix it, I presume. Just another thing I've fucked up in my life.

About Luke? Yeah... After the funeral... I got worse. If you could believe such a thing to be possible. I told Luke that he should sit somewhere else. What I actually said was 'leave me alone'. He refused and sat next to me. I got mad and went to the bathroom... And I skipped lunch for a while. Not like I was hungry anyway.

He stopped me after school one day and said 'I know what you're doing' (why does everyone think they know what I'm doing?! I don't even know what I'm doing!) and made me follow him to his place, no matter how much I told him no... It was small and brown and smelled like dog, but I liked it. No one was home and he practically forced me into his room. And then he threw down his jeans. I was terrified, but then I actually looked... His legs. His legs were covered in blood. There was hardly any clean flesh left. I fell back onto his bed with my hand clasped over my mouth... And he knelt in front of me after pulling his pants back up. He looked into my eyes, tears dripping from his own, and he told me that he knew everything. I couldn't move, I couldn't breathe... Not Luke, no... But it was real, and I couldn't see, I was... I couldn't. I had a panic attack. I don't remember his reaction. I don't remember most of what happened. But I fell asleep on his chest. I got in trouble with my parents the next morning, but his dad was very friendly and funny.

We're not really dating now, but I spend a lot more time with him. I go over to his place everyday after school and we play games or watch each other play games. (Like The Walking Dead or Rocket League). He bought me hair dye and new clothes with his last check though... He got fired from his job, for reasons he won't say, but it just means more time for us to be together. His father is looking for another job now, but I think things are going to be okay... With that fraction of my life, anyhow.

He doesn't say he loves me, or that I'm perfect. He doesn't say I'm beautiful or that I'm smart... He just tells me everyday that I'm his best friend and that he'll never 'leave me alone'.