The Diary of a Bitch

Skin

Thursday September 24th, 2015

"Skin" by Sixx Am is the song of the day today, folks. I'll post the lyrics at the end. I chose this song because Luke showed it to me today at lunch (I know, right? He actually came back)... He said it's his favorite song. He scooted his chair closer to mine so we could share his earbuds as we listened to it. He smelled amazing. He definitely doesn't use Axe. Whatever he wears smells sweet, but not like berries or cotton candy... It smells warm and inviting, like watermelon sitting on a picnic table in July.

I could tell the song made him a little emotional, so I told him I really liked it and changed the subject. We talked about YouTube first. This guy has never heard of Jacksepticeye! Well, after today he has. We also talked about what we did after school. He told me he worked until midnight at KFC so he could help his dad pay for his ex step-mother's child support. Apparently he's technically a Sophomore and won't be graduating at the end of this year. I felt horrible when he said that, but something told me not to pry any further. I tried to remain vague when describing my life, but he kept asking questions and eventually I had to tell him that I go to therapy on Tuesdays and Thursdays, but other than that my life is writing. He really wants to read something I've written, but I'm unsure. I really hate that I'm unsure. He's a nice guy, very friendly and cheerful. I shouldn't be so scared to share my writing with him- right? I mean, it's not like we're getting a puppy together. We just met yesterday. Though he seemed really inclined to make my acquaintance... Maybe he'll ask me to Homecoming? I hope he doesn't. I'm not good for him.

Luke seems like the kind of guy who'll hold your hand and bring you flowers. I wouldn't know how to react if he tried doing that for me. No one has ever done that for me. I usually make it very clear that I'm uninterested before it gets that far. But here's my problem: I don't want to hurt Luke. I don't think I like him, but I do know that he's got issues of his own and adding me to that list is not a good idea. I just can't handle a relationship right now. Not even a friendship- at least, I don't think I can. I don't know. Prove me wrong. I dare you. My life is topsy turvy with grenades up its ass. This tall, skinny boy with pretty eyes and a goofy grin shouldn't have to hold me together. I should be able to do it myself.

Due to recent events, I am no longer able to access the Internet at home. I'll still be writing, but I will slow down...

Tonight, I'm thinking about something I haven't in a while. I won't come right out and say it, but some of you may understand.

It itches. It itches real bad. It's not like a bug bite or a healing scrape, for there's nothing there to make it so. It's rather an intense desire to create. To destroy. To eliminate. To set free all the demons and let them wreak their own havoc upon me. For too long my canvas has been blank. Not because I lack the creativity, no. I have plenty of that. My canvas remains blank because I lack the means with which to paint.

But tonight I'll create my own freedom, and tomorrow, I'll wear a sweater.

***

"Skin"

Paint yourself a picture
Of what you wish you looked like
Maybe then they just might
Feel an ounce of your pain

Come into focus
Step out of the shadows
It's a losing battle
There's no need to be ashamed

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not your skin

Oh...

When they start to judge you
Show them your true colors
And do unto others
As you'd have done to you

Just rise above this
Kill them with your kindness
Ignorance is blindness
They're the ones that stand to lose

'Cause they don't even know you
All they see is scars
They don't see the angel
Living in your heart

Let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not your skin

Oh

Well, they don't even know you
All they see is scars
And they don't see the angels
Living in your heart

So, let them find the real you
Buried deep within
Let them know with all you've got
That you are not
You are not your skin

Oh...