The Diary of a Bitch

The Blood From the Blood Moon

Thursday October 1, 2015

Aw, so, the song of the day is another of Luke's favorites. It's called "My Heart I Surrender," and is actually by one of my favorite bands: IPrevail. I've seen them in concert. They're better known for their cover of Taylor Swift's "Blank Space." Normally they're metal- but this song, (lyrics posted at the bottom,) is actually very soft. Their songs always have such happy meanings, too.

Friday night I went home and took a bath. I usually shower after school, but I bathed because I didn't want to make my skin any more raw than it already is, and I also wanted to let myself relax. That didn't really work out as planned. My legs, stomach and arms turned the water pink and I felt really disgusting. I didn't even bother drying off, I just walked to my room and put on a tank top and shorts before climbing in bed and reading some of the books I saved in my Wattpad library. I still don't have Internet at home, so I couldn't do much else. My sister didn't come home that night, my mother works until early AM, and my father went to a bar with friends, so I was all alone. I played some Sims on Xbox 360 and ate a bowl of unsalted, unbuttered popcorn for dinner.

I woke up at nine on Saturday, and immediately went back to Sims. I threw on a sweatshirt and some sweats just in case someone walked in my room without knocking, but no one did. I played Sims all day. I love that game so much. I can control my life and do things how I want. There's also no discrimination. You can be fat, skinny, or blue and still find love in anyone your heart desires. I hate to admit it, but I made Luke and I. Not like, in love or anything. Just as two teenage friends. Maybe someday I'll have it blossom into something more. Hopefully before we turn into adults. (Both in reality and the game- whichever comes first.)

Around three, I finally got something to eat: a bowl of cereal with soy milk. I need as much protein as I can get, so I also grabbed a spoonful of peanut butter. I downed my "meal" as quickly as possible so I could get back to Sims and make my virtual life perfect. So far I'm just refining skills like writing and painting for me, and guitar and cooking for Luke since he told me he always wanted to play guitar- but he works as a sous chef. The adult we live with represents my mother. She's a nurse and is climbing the career ladder quickly.

My sister came home around five. Amanda's twenty-three, so she has all the freedoms in the world... But she was hungover as all Hell, so I had to keep all the lights off and stay quiet. She almost cussed me out for flushing the toilet. My dad can handle his alcohol just fine. I don't remember him ever being hungover. She must have inherited my mother's tolerance.

I spent the rest of the day playing Sims in silence. That night, we all went out to dinner at a vegan restaurant. Just for a change of pace. It was really expensive, but worth it. I absolutely adore hummus with thick-cut fries. And bean burgers with sweet potato are an absolute heaven.

Sunday, my mother went to church with my sister and father, but I stayed behind. I don't know what I believe in, but I do know that going to church always makes me really sad. So I made myself some scrambled egg substitute, pumpkin spice coffee, and hash browns before sitting on the porch swing on the back deck and letting the chilly weather soothe me. I love being cold. Maybe nature is my religion.

When my family returned, I came back inside and started my chores. I have to clean the bathrooms (there are three), kitchen, and do my own laundry. I played music while I did so. I finished in the afternoon, ate a quick lunch of a granola bar and sweet tea, and then started my homework. I went out and sat on the deck again- because I heard that there was a super blood moon eclipse- which I saw, and it was amazing. The moon is mysterious to me. If you stare at the night sky long enough, you can feel yourself becoming weightless, almost like gravity has given up on you...

It really hurts to bend over, or kneel... Every movement is tinged with crimson pain. After a while, I become numb, and repeat the sin that got me there in the first place. But I can't stop. I'm so conflicted. I thought I kicked this habitual destruction the last time someone found out... But here I am again, at risk of exposure, and still unable to stop myself. The anxiety that comes with hiding makes me want it even more. It's a never ending cycle of torture.

Monday... I was contemplating the end. I pretended to go to school, but then snuck in to my room through the window and stayed in bed, crying and trying so hard not to move. I don't want to go- but at the same time, I do. Tuesday, I stayed home again, with a faked cough and swollen eyes. I didn't go talk to Ellen.

Today, Luke hugged me, out of nowhere. We were saying goodbye after a really fun lunch, at which we watched Jack eat jelly beans and made jokes about him. We also shared some more songs. He says he's creating a playlist for me. After, he walked me to class, and suddenly his expression turned so sad, and he hugged me. He's a little taller than me, so my face was in his shoulder- which I did not mind at all. He's so comforting. When he pulled away, he didn't say a word, just waved sadly and disappeared down the hall. Tonight, I have to talk to Ellen again. But I don't want to. She's starting to annoy me- with all of her questions. She needs to just listen to me more. All I need is someone to listen and offer advice- not pick my brain like I'm a fucking monkey in a lab.

***

"My Heart I Surrender"

I'm a ghost in your eyes.
A shadow you can't seem to recognize.
I have a thought of you for every, star in the sky
But I'm scared, I'll never cross your mind.
Yeah, I'm scared.

Will our stars ever align?
Will two hearts, beat in time?
These words you should always remember,
To you, my heart I surrender.
Chasing love that can never be mine.
Maybe one day you'll realize.
These words you should always remember,
To you, my heart I surrender.

And I can't count the times.
I stayed awake pretending you were mine.
Now I'm left here with this emptiness inside,
Why can't I make you mine?

Will our stars ever align?
Will two hearts, beat in time?
These words you should always remember,
To you, my heart I surrender.
Chasing love that can never be mine.
Maybe one day you'll realize.
These words you should always remember,
To you, my heart I surrender.

Will our stars ever align?
Will two hearts, beat in time?
These words you should always remember,
To you, my heart I surrender.
Chasing love that can never be mine.
Maybe one day you'll realize.
These words you should always remember,
To you, my heart I surrender.