Scarlett's Letters

Rhode You Are

Rhode You Are,

Rhode you be. Rhode be your name. Rhode you call yourself. Fuck, I'm sorry, I'm so so so so sorry. I'm sorry.

I haven't written to you in a month and a half, why? Because that's how long it took for me to be able to write your name, be able think about you without losing it, breaking down.

Rhode.

How long does it take for a heart to heal? The pain, it felt like, a bullet, pushing slowly through my chest, through my heart. How long does it take to recover from a bullet through the heart?

That's a trick question. A bitch of a trick question too. Because you can't, you can't recover from a bullet through the heart.

They say it'll heal over time•

•Constant attention and care

That I'll be fine•

They say they know what to do•

•Someone to make your heart their home

I hope they can heal me too•

They tell me it's okay•

•Someone to hold you

As long as I survive today•

•Tell you that they love you

Tell me that I'll live•

But how do you heal a bullet through the heart?•

•That is what you need

They say they know what to do•

•To heal a bullet through the heart•

I wrote that at some point, I don't remember when or what I used, but I woke up two nights ago and it was sitting there on my bedside table, in my own handwriting on a shredded napkin. I'm not quite sure what it means, or what I was thinking when I wrote it but here it is.

I am crazier than I thought.

Oh Rhode. The only person who could possibly make me feel better is you. I want you to hug me and comfort me and tell me everything's going to be all right. I want you to tell me that God has plans for everything and sometimes we just don't quite understand them. Out of all the people here, I want you, the only one I can't have.

It makes me sad, so sad. And angry.

Do you know what they said? The doctors? They said, "We did everything we could." that's what they said. Everything they could? Since when was everything they can do getting there three hours too late and pushing some rocks around half-assedly? Why don't they care? They said that even if they had been there at the time of the explosion there would have been nothing they could have done. But I think that's a lie, told to comfort the crazy girl. I think that if they had been there, there would have been something they could have done.

I think it was a test. God wanted to see that if someone was perfect, always helping, always putting other people in front of themselves, if someone like that was in need of some help, if someone would help them. God wanted to see if his own system of karma worked. It didn't.

The #1 Hater of Karma,

Scarlett