Bad Boys Don't Smile / phan

chapter two

***

dan

Dan opens his front door, letting himself inside and heading straight upstairs.

His little brother was on the sofa, watching cartoons when Dan walked in. His mother, no doubt, is in her bedroom, lying in bed like an empty, lifeless soul, but she is in a way. Dan's mother does have a job - she is quite young and hosts a radio show - but when she isn't working, she may as well be dead. She isn't much of a mother, she never cooks, rarely cleans and hardly even talks to her sons.

Dan collapses onto his bed and sighs, staring up at his plain, white ceiling, feeling his stomach start to twist with craving. He stands up, reaching deep into his bedside draw, under all his bits and pieces thrown in, and brings out a packet of cigarettes, taking one out and lighting it. Dan throws the packet back in.

He slides open his window and puts the cigarette between his lips, inhaling deeply, letting the nicotine run inside him, calming him down and tricking him into thinking that his life is okay for once. He breathes out the window, watching the smoke evaporate into the air.

He continues this until he has finished the entire thing. He sighs, disposing of the last bit and lying back onto his bed. Dan knows smoking is bad, he knows it's horrible, he knows the effects and he knows that it is slowly killing him; however, he can't stop - he can't stop any of the drugs, the illegal ones and the ones he is given by his doctor.

(an: I know that Dan's brother's name is not Shawn, as I've used, but I waned to change it.)

A few hours later, Dan walks downstairs to find Shawn, his little brother, sitting on the counter, looking across into the open cupboard. He looks over, spotting Dan and he pushes his dark brown fringe to the side, out of his eyes.

"I wish mum would cook for once," Shawn groans, looking across at Dan sadly, "I'm sick of having to do everything for myself. the other kids in my class don't have to."

"Well mum is sick and we have to just cope ourselves," Dan says, standing in front of Shawn and surveying the cupboard, looking for something to eat, "what do you feel like tonight? We have pasta, toast or frozen pizza."

"Have you been smoking again?" Shawn asks, frowning at Dan, making Dan look down guiltily, not replying to him.

See, his brother hates him smoking, and knows he does it. Dan had told him that he'd stopped because Shawn was so upset and mad when he found out Dan was addicted. Dan had honestly tried to stop, but he just craved the feeling he got so much. At least Shawn doesn't know about the other things Dan takes on the occasion.

"You have! I can smell it on your breath!" Shawn says accusingly, "I'm not an idiot. Dan please it's killing you! I need you!"

"I'm sorry Shawn," Dan replies, guilt curling inside his stomach, making him feel sick, "I'll try to stop, I promise."

But Dan is pretty sure that Shawn doesn't believe his empty words. Dan wants to stop, but he can't. He feels weak and he hates it. Dan sighs, turning up to face his brother.

"So, pasta, toast or frozen pizza?" Dan asks finally, breaking the silence between the two brothers, "what do you want?"

"I want frozen pizza," Shawn says, hoping off the counter and looking up at Dan, "and I want you to stop smoking."

He turns and walks away then, leaving Dan in the kitchen alone. Dan sighs yet again and pulls out a frozen pizza from the freezer. He's sick of doing everything for himself, he's sick of feeling the way he does, he's sick of feeling dull and alone.

Sometimes, Dan even wonders if it's all worth it.

***

Dan wanders into detention after school, black studs in his ears, back jeans barely balancing on his hips, a grey t shirt on and a black pullover on. He got detention for 'being snarky' to a teacher. All he said was 'fuck off', and that was because the teacher was trying to get Dan to read his poem out loud.