Bad Boys Don't Smile / phan

epilogue

// this is it guys... Thanks so much for reading!! //

*sixty five years later*

phil

Phil shuffles towards his living room.

He cradles a cup of coffee in his hands, his fingers now bony and wrinkled, but still as pale as milk. Phil sits down on his sofa, watching the steam rise out of the mug.

He looks sideways and pauses when he sees something slotted into the bookshelf. It's Dan's notebook, the one he gave Phil on his last day.

Phil never opened it, he just couldn't bring himself to. Even in his old age now, Phil remembers Dan as if he were with him only yesterday.

Phil never truly loved anyone again after Dan. He dated, but never found another person who was quite right for him, so now in his old age, he's alone. There's Pj, who regularly visits him, but out of their group from school, they're the only two left.

Phil sighs, looking sideways at the notebook again. Perhaps it's time now, time to read it. It's been over sixty years at least, but every single day Phil still thinks of Dan.

Phil can remember when he first heard. He already knew that Dan was going to commit suicide, but when the police showed up and broke the news, Phil felt his whole soul just shatter right there and then.

He cried - for months and not once did the pain even ease slightly. He was so mad at Dan, God he was so mad, but he still loved him. Phil has never stopped missing Dan, because he's never stopped loving him.

After finishing his coffee, Phil pushes himself out of his chair - which is quite the effort these days - and leaves his mug on the kitchen sink before walking back to stand in front of the shelf.

Phil reaches his arm put, wrapping his fingers around the notebook which has never been opened in over sixty years. Gripping it tightly, Phil walks slowly to his bedroom, sitting on the edge of his bed before taking a deep breath and opening the cover.

He feels tears prick in his eyes as he runs his fingers lightly over the first two words; the only words he's already read.

For Phil.

Phil turns to the next page, which is a note.

Phil, I just wanted to tell you how much you mean to me. You gave me so much light and happiness in my life, my own personal source of sunshine in this dark, dark world.

I love you so much Phil, you mean the whole entire universe to me. I'm so sorry. As much as it pains me, distancing myself to you is good.

See, I'm breaking apart Phil, slowly fragmenting, and the further away you are from me, the less it will impact you when I finally explode.

I'm a star that's burning out, my light is fading, but you Phil, you're a new star, bright as ever, and ready to shine on long after I'm gone.

-dan

Phil wipes the tears which have fallen down his cheeks. He wishes he could be with Dan right now, that he could've saved him. He wishes they could've grown old together, their bodies slowly growing old and failing but their love never faltering for a second.

Through the day, Phil reads the rest of the notebook, which is filled with drawings, short poems or just writing. But they all carry the message of the first page, and are all just as poetic.

However as Phil reads on, he can see Dan's thought setting darker, he can see Dan losing himself and he can see Dan slowly shattering more and more with each word. It's painful to Phil - even now - but he's determined to finish it.

Phil finally reaches the last page with writing on it. It's only six words long, but it makes Phil smile softly and cry at the same time;

never forget I love you.
-dan

That night, Phil lies in bed, cradling the notebook to his chest.

Dan fills his mind. Phil thinks back to all the memories they had together, to what they shared, what they did together.

Dan was his first love, and turned out to be his only love.

But that's okay with Phil. Phil wonders what Dan would be like if he were here now, would they still be together? Would his memory be fading? Would their love be stronger than ever?

Phil closes his eyes, his heart filling with more grief than it has in a long time. His fingers tighten their grip on Dan's book. Phil looks sideways and sees the photograph with he and Dan, their younger selves smiling at him.

Phil does feel better after reading the notebook though, he feels like he finally has some closure, that maybe he can finally stop dwelling on the what ifs and just start smiling fondly at the memories.

But still, Phil would give anything to see Dan's smile again. All he can do now is try his best to keep it in his memory. He thinks back to the first time he ever saw Dan smile.

Thinking of that, Phil closes his eyes, falling asleep with a soft smile on his lips and Dan's voice echoing in his mind.

Never forget I love you.

***

Phil sits up, blinking at the bright light, but then his eyes focus on something - a person in front of him. Phil stands and stares at the person, puzzled.

"Phil!" An all too familiar voice says happily, and Phil's gaze focuses on the person in front of him.

"D-Dan?" Phil asks, tears forming in his eyes.

And then a smile forms on the other boy's face. His shining, brown eyes narrowing, crinkles forming at the ends, his lips stretch so wide and his perfect teeth are revealed, the dimples appear and the sight makes Phil so overcome with happiness he feels a tear slip down his cheek.

There it is again, the thing that first made Phil fall hard. He's so happy to see Dan again, even if it's just a dream. Phil doesn't even care where he is, if it's a dream or not, because right now, he's with Dan again.

And he's still so in love with him.

Phil looks up at Dan, his heart lifting when he sees Dan's face still glowing with happiness. Phil smiles to himself. Dan Howell may have been a so called 'bad boy', confused Phil and broken his heart;

but holy shit his smile.

the end.