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3.3 The Sequel to A Midsummer Night's Dream - Act III

Act III

Stage lights up. In the woods where the fairies rule right outside Athens. Oberon and Titania make out under a tree. Lysander enters.

Lysander: There you are! I was looking all over for you!

Oberon: It's our day off. What do you want?

Lysander: Lift the spell of eternal life. Hermia turned into a little slut and is cheating on me with Demetrius. On top of that, I'm working my ass off. This is not what I signed up to.

Titania: You and Hermia are true lovers. How did this happen?

Oberon: I told you for years that things are getting out of hand. Ever since Cupid cut down on his hours during the sixties, things have gone downhill. Now, he hardly works at all and happy couples break up all over the place.

Lysander: How can a magical creature work part-time? Aren't they supposed to serve us for the greater good?

Oberon: He is in the union. The Tooth Fairy, the Sandman, all of them some lazy son of bitches. Only Santa is still working hard though the Elfs went on strike the other day and he fell way behind on the 'Nice and Naughty List'.

Lysander: Yeah, I suppose the Industrial Revolution took a toll on all of us.

Titania: We have come up with our own solution. Here, take these chocolates to Hermia. They are filled with love potion juice. She will fall asleep and when she awakes and sees you, her love will be rekindled.

Lysander: But I don't want her back. I deserve better.

Oberon: Than show her an ass when she wakes up and she'll fall in love with him. That's what I did with Titania. You should have seen her face, priceless.

Titania: Don't remind me. You're just lucky, mister, that I took you back.

Lysander: An ass is impractical. We live in Brooklyn and those things are not allowed in the city.

Oberon: Than take something else. How about a dog?

Lysander: I guess that's doable.

Titania: But you should really think about it. Hermia loves you - you guys just hit a little bump in the road.

Lysander: I'll think about it. Thanks for the chocolates. I'll let you know how I get on.

Lysander exists.

Oberon: Such a shame. Those two seemed so happy.

Titania: Let's just intervene, shall we? It'll be so much fun.

Oberon: That's Cupid's job. Who'll pay me for the overtime?

Titania: It's not all about money. Besides, you promised me to take me to see a Broadway show. Now is as good of a time then ever.

Oberon: Yeah, I guess we could use a vacation. I heard they're bringing back 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'. The gal playing Titania is hot.

Titania: Hey - you got the real thing.

Oberon: You know I'm just kidding. You're always gonna be my number one fairy.

Titania: Yeah right. I know you like to look at those girls in their short skirts and it's okay as long as your remember that they are just like that Ferrari - you can't afford it so keep your hands to yourself. Let's go.

Hand in hand, they exit the stage. Stage falls dark.