I Just Want to be Me

Part I Katniss: A story of Coming Out

A/N: Hi guys, this is my most recent project. It has three parts and will tell three stories that all intertwine with one another. There's no set pairing as it's a story of coping with your sexuality and the judgement you can receive from the people around you. I hope you guys still give it a go anyway :)

Disclaimer: I don't own the Hunger Games.

I Just Want to Be Me

Part I

Katniss: A Story of Coming Out

Boys had never been a priority for me. They had always been there, ever since I was a child, but I had never seen them as anything more as friends. More people to talk to and enjoy the company of. Even as I grew older, and rag dolls and crayons turned into lipstick and blusher, boys did not rise any further in my list of things that were important. It seemed to do so for other girls. Even when they were still scribbling with their colouring pencils they chatted about boys. Why? I was never entirely sure. They were never that fascinating.

I felt like the odd one out. There had to be something wrong with me. Why didn't I feel the same urge to chat about boys or kiss boys or hold hands with boys? Why wasn't I like the other girls? Instead of telling myself to wise the hell up, which I should have done, I decided to pretend. To play along and act like I was like them too. I wanted to be just like them. I didn't want to be different.

I told myself I fancied the boy who sat across from me in seventh and eighth grade. He was in my reading group and we both talked a lot. I had only ever viewed him as a friend but in my desperate attempt to be normal I forced myself to be attracted to him. Even when we were still only kids I somehow became convinced that this was an important thing to focus on. Everyone else was going out with each other and kissing and doing things like that. I had to do the same so I didn't stand out.

In the end, it didn't work. I discovered that I am not good at keeping up with boys. To be honest, I grew to not want to anymore as well. What was the point? Forcing myself to like someone wasn't going to get me anywhere. It would just leave me unhappy.

This wasn't how I discovered that I'm gay. However, it did help me see that boys certainly weren't an interest of mine. At first I thought that it was maybe just because I was young. But when the lack of desire or sexual attraction followed me through to High School, I began to believe that I was maybe asexual instead. I'm not entirely sure why being a lesbian didn't come into my head first. It must have been because at the time I had as much attraction to girls as I did to boys.

That was until I developed a crush on the school badass, Clove Jettison. It took a lot for me to admit to myself openly that I was gay. I had to wait a couple of months to see if it was a phase or not but when I still found myself staring after Clove in longing when she passed me in the hallways, I realized that I was a lesbian.

It's been hard to hide who I am from the people I love. My family aren't homophobic. In fact, they're extremely open to this sort of thing. However, I worry that they might not believe me or say it's just a phase when I know it's not. I've already tried waiting it out and it hasn't passed. I am a lesbian and I want to be proud of it. But to be proud of it I'd need to be prepared to shout it from the rooftops. I can't do that. Not yet anyway.

And I've never been more content with that.

~xXx~

It's been a year and a half since I realized my sexuality and I've told no one. I don't know how to do it and I'm terrified of how my friends and family would react to it. The rest of the student body wouldn't take the news well, especially the girls in my class who've been changing with me in the locker rooms for five years now. They'll most likely feel violated and have me kicked out of the class or make me change in the boys' locker room instead. The idea makes me shudder.