Escapism

Chapter 7

07 

It's All My Fault - PT.1

Illusions, they're the thoughts in our minds that we have no idea if they were true or only made up by our brains and knits of our thoughts. Illusions are sometimes diagnosed as a disease as it controls the brain and make it unable to perform clearly.

Illusions have categories like every other thing in this world. The illusions that we make by ourselves to convince us something that can't possibly happen or something that we want to happen so badly that our brains start disillusioning that this particular thing.

I was having this kind of illusions right now and I knew it would get worse. I was trying to convince myself that everything was okay and Francois wasn't really kidnapped and that it was all a made up shit my brain was making.

But I knew that I disillusioning, it was no made up thing my brain is making it was one hundred percentage real and Wilson was meaning every word he said to me earlier.

I was hyperventilating. Everything around me slowly crumbled down to the ground. My breath hitched and the image in-front of me slowly blurred.

I dropped down to the ground with the piece of paper crumbled between my hands close to my mouth.

What have I done?

That was the question in my head at the moment and no answer to me.

This was all my and father's fault. What did he do that had this much of a punishment to me and my family? Whatever he did made this much of this much of troubles that made my family scatter.

I never imagined myself saying this even after a million of years but I'm mad at my father and he should be the one fixing the shit he made not me.

I'm tired of everything; of fixing my father's problems and shit, controlling the whole companies without any help from anyone of my family because I inherited everything and he told to control everything by myself.

I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath to prevent the tears that wanted to be released and bite my lower lip to prevent the sobs.

Everything was so fucked up and I was done and fed. This Wilson guy messed with the dearest part of my family and he won't get out of it alive on my dead body.

I remembered Nathan words when we were at the cliff and he told me that screaming all your pain could help you even if I was just a bit.

I leaned my back backward with the piece of the paper in my left hand and let out a scream that hold everything hurtful in my life, everything shacked me to the edge.

I stopped, panted loudly and felt the burning in my eyes increase with edge of sourness. Without feeling I let out a tear stream down and let out a quite sob that was chocked in my throat.

I took a deep breath to stop the silent sobbing and forcefully shut my eyes preventing the tears. I remembered my father's words when I was young maybe twelve years and I was crying as I fell from the bike and broke my left leg. His words echoed in my ears in a sickening rhyme.

"Crying is for weak people, they use it when they have no other choices except to sob like toddlers. Lilla vous n'êtes pas faible, ma fille est pas faible. Stay strong forever like your father" (Lilla you're not weak, my daughter is not weak) he said these words and patted my head after picking me up from the ground.

I smiled when I remembered his words and got up from the ground raising my head high and imagined that if my father was here he wouldn't have left me crying without scowling me.