Sacred Pro | Capital STEEZ Story

BLAME ME

Two days had passed since the worst day of my life and I found myself making my way through the packed hospital. It was sad how many people had to be in the hospital, whether they were there for themselves or someone else. It's a horrible place, being in the hospital never means good except for babies being born and shit. I sighed as I stepped in the elevator and stared at my white sneakers, avoiding eye contact with everyone. I wasn't really myself these past days.. obviously. The situation with Steez had me questioning everything in life. I was so confident in life before it all happened. I didn't blame Steez for it, even though I still had no idea why he jumped. This was the second time I came to visit him. I was glad that I got the message across. He finally knew that I really loved him. I promised him to take good care of myself but I broke that promise, unfortunately. I locked myself up in my room, again. It was as if I wanted to torture myself for doing it. I avoided all contact with the people around me, even the Pros. I felt bad for abandoning them but I wasn't used to really talk about my feelings that way. This time, I couldn't go to Steez because he was the one I was thinking about all day and most of the feelings I had were caused by him.

Most of the time, when I lock myself up in my room, I start to dwell on my thoughts. Negative thoughts that make me feel bad about myself, bad about the things I'm doing. It's not because I want to think about bad things, it's because I feel like I deserve to be miserable. I deserve to feel bad and guilty, because it still is my fault that Steez was in the hospital. I knew for a hundred percent that if I had visited him that day, things would've been different. I rubbed my eyes and cocked my head to the side. It took a bit too long for the elevator to arrive at floor 7. I puckered my lips as the elevator finally came to a stop and I stepped out and made my way towards room 440. I knocked on the door two times before I heard a "yup" from Steez. I pushed the door open and found him sitting  Indian-style on the bed wearing grey sweats and a black shirt. His face looked better compared to the last time I visited him, which was the day of the accident. All the bandages were still there though. He was gracefully enjoying his bowl of fruit that was in the palm of his hands as he stared into space. I always wondered why he looked around him so often. I smiled as his eyes fixed on mine. "Aye!" he greeted me and gave me a nod. I laughed and gave him a nod back. "How you feeling?" I asked as I sat on the empty bed across him. He shrugged as he focused on his fruit. "Pretty ok, I guess." He answered. I nodded as I swung my feet back and forth, not knowing what to say. Well, I did know what to say but didn't know how to bring it forth, I didn't want to ruin his mood. "You're blowing up with all the questions inside, aren't you?" he spoke up after a long moment of silence. I looked at him. "How'd you know?" I asked.

He cocked his head to the side and I nodded. "Never mind, I already know." I chuckled. He laughed.

"I know, I know. You can ask, I'll answer. You will not ruin my mood, there ain't nothing to ruin anyway." He said. I stared at him for a moment before speaking up. "I just wanna ask why." I said silently, already feeling myself becoming emotional again. "Just.. why." I said. I noticed he was deep in thought and decided to help him out. "I mean – you mentioned you love me and you obviously love the Pros and your family.. why'd you wanna end your life for?" I asked as my voice cracked.

His head instantly shot up as he heard the crack in my voice and I tried to keep my expression as natural possible. He focused his gaze somewhere else when he was done staring at me. He sighed before opening his mouth to answer. "I was depressed, still am kinda. I don't even know if it's depression. I hate these labels. I'm just fucked up. I feel like I wasn't made for this world, I don't fit in. I'm too different and I handle things in a different way. People don't seem to.. understand it. This whole rap shit – people weren't getting my point. I felt hopeless and had no hope for myself in this world anymore. And to be honest.. I kinda was looking out for that day. It was the day of a shift and I could've ascended. But I didn't." he said and looked at me for a response. I pressed my lips together. "You have no clue how I felt when I saw your body on that stretcher." I spoke softly, avoiding eye contact. "How hard I screamed, thinking I could get you to get off of it and hug me. Telling me to calm down." I continued as my voice broke and now silent tears were streaming down my face. I needed to make him feel how I felt. He couldn't do this again, ever.

"The way Tamara fell on the ground, hopeless and done with life. How Joey ran out of the hospital room, not being able to see you the way you were lying in that bed. Pale, stiff, vulnerable, helpless. When Tamara told me you were gone, I wanted to just.. die. I didn't even want to find out why, what or where. I just wanted to die, right away. I felt so hopeless, I felt so fuckin' bad." I said firmly, my voice shaky and tears still flowing down my face. "God, how I hated my life in that moment. I wasn't sure if I could handle another death of somebody I loved so much. As if I've done wrong in life. As if I don't deserve someone to love, every time I love someone dearly, he or she gets taken away from me instantly." I took a deep breath and faced him, my sight blurry as I looked at his glossy eyes. "You could be fuckin' gone. I couldn't talk to you anymore, look at you anymore, inhale your scent anymore, hear your voice or hear you laugh anymore. I was scared my heart was going to fail me by the way I blamed myself for it. I love you so much Steez, you actually made my life fun again. If it wasn't for you, I'd still be depressed, down and living in the misery I was living in back then. You know we're connected on another level, when you were.. gone, I didn't feel you anymore. I didn't feel the life in me anymore, I felt empty. You don't know how many times I prayed to the gods for you to be safe. When I heard you were missing for a couple days, my happy mood drowned instantly. The way Kirk was shaking of all the crying –" I sobbed as I closed my eyes for a couple seconds to gather my strength.

"Everybody broke down man. Every fuckin' body. You mean so much to us, so damn much. Your face – you were so cold, so pale. I could see you already gave up. So soon. So damn soon!" I cried as I rubbed my temples. "Oh if I lost you man – if I lost you I would've been dead too. I don't have the strength to keep going on, I swear. It was a fuckin' wonder I was still alive after my mom died – and now you. This fuckin' destroys me. This eats me up from the inside." I said in-between sobs, letting my tears flow freely. I was so done with life. I felt like nobody was on my side. 

"Why is happiness so hard to maintain?" I more so stated than asked. I took a deep breath and noticed the bed dip. I turned my head to see Steez sitting next to me on the bed. He pulled me into his arms, holding me tightly and pressing me into him. I softly sobbed in his neck, my arms wrapped around him tightly. I took in his scent and moved my nose up on his neck, sinking in his embrace and enjoying the moment of my.. best friend still being here. "Please don't ever leave me." I begged. "I won't. I promise you, I won't." he whispered as he hugged me even tighter. I didn't mind – I wanted to be as close to him as I could. The thought of me having to miss his hugs and his presence killed me, I was grateful for this. "I won't ever leave y'all. I swear. Hearing this makes me hate myself even more." He whispered. I pulled away from our embrace, "No. This isn't supposed to make you hate yourself more. This is supposed to let you know how much people love you. We can't go on without you, you're too important. Please don't feel bad about yourself. Please don't, it's the last thing I came to do." I said. He closed his eyes briefly as he pulled me back in his embrace and I let myself fall in his arms.

It's frustratin' when you just can't express yourself

And it's hard to trust enough to undress yourself

To stand exposed and naked, in a world full of hatred

Where the sick thoughts of mankind control all the sacred

I pause, take a step back, record all the setbacks

Fast forward towards the stars in the jetpack

My feet might fail me, my heart might ail me

The synagogues of Satan might accuse or jail me

Strip, crown, nail me, brimstone hail me

Yesterday, yesterday is gone
Tomorrow, tomorrow is on the way
You don't have time to waste
Gotta get it right

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