Searching For Sanity

Chapter 1: New Year

         First day of school, ah the rush; kids, teachers and scared little freshmen (yes, in high school they are considered a species of their own). Now everyone hates the first day of school, am I right? For some reason I really wasn't looking forward to starting up again this year, it was weird. Like a sword had shattered through my skull and hit a part of my brain that made me not want to go to school. I didn't hate school, hated the people, loved the learning, so why was it I was so desperate to find an excuse to miss the first day of school?
         I roll over a couple hundred times to the sound of my alarm clock beeping.
"why. why must you go off." I groan turning it off then rubbing my eyes. I just wanted to go back to sleep. No first day of school, no classes, just let me sleep.
my mom slowly opens the door to my room. "Victoria, come on honey, it's time to wake up." "nooo." I groan and pull Oscar, my teddy bear closer."Don't miss the first day of school!"  I knew, but she didn't know that I would've literally done whatever I could possible just so I couldn't go to school, but since my argumentative strategies aren't fully functional at 5:30 in the morning, I gave up and got out of bed. Why do they have to start school so early, probably so our argumentative strategies won't be functional so we can't argue with our parents about not going or with teachers in general. Oh well I guess. I looked at my phone for a second then unlocked it, sending all my friends the exact same "wake the fuck up" picture. Since it is the first day they'll need alittle motivation to move at all to get ready this morning. Now don't get me wrong, I throughly enjoy some aspects of school, I like my friends, some of the teachers make me happy, there's just people I wish I wouldn't have to deal with. So I got up, washed my face, the whole morning thing, well not really I guess; I always had to clean my belly button piercing in the morning which I know is way huge red flag tmi but aye why not write about it I guess. Then I ate some breakfast and put on my makeup, my friends think I'm a makeup addict, more like I enjoy how it looks and the process of putting it on, so what if I took all summer to learn how to do face (cheeks & forehead) makeup correctly; people should feel thankful they get to see me with everything covered up, but no. If you wear a ton of makeup in high school you probably know the deal. People you don't even know will say "you're wearing too much makeup" or "wow I didn't know your face was a cake!!" etc, and it gets annoying, so I didn't actually know if I was going to go through with wearing a bunch of makeup this year. A bunch meaning face makeup since I'm obviously not skilled enough to do winged eyeliner, I literally barley can do my mascara without messing up. 

6:30 AM: that's the time, bus is supposed to come. I'm all ready, all excited, also all nervous, wow my stomach kinda hurts, uh oh that's not good.
6:35 AM: okay okay, well where's the bus, uhm buseo buseo where for art thou buseo?? mr. bus montegue can you hear me??
6:40 AM: oh okay wait excuse me, so the bus IS going to come at the same time as it did last year, oh okay, thank you bus garage, thank you fucking school, thanks for making me wake up for this shit.
My bus rides were the typical, last years freshmen talking loudly (actually yelling) about whatever the fuck they talk about and my neighbor not getting on. In the morning I usually blast my music, forget about everyone, until my bestfriend gets on, Jamie. Jamie is probably one of the funniest people I've ever met before, she'd come on the bus and tell me about something that made her angry that morning, maybe it was the tone in her voice or maybe it was just that it was 6:50 in the morning but it always got a laugh out of me. Of course with the typical first day of school comes along the typical
"How was your summer?"
"Oh good how was yours?"
"Good."
conversations that I was bound to have. Probably my least favorite in the whole world. Once I got off the bus I went to my locker, 3063, third floor of the school, woo stairs in the morning. By the time I was at the top of the stairs I was out of breath. That was probably the most exercise I've done since school ended.
     Soon later I met up with Taylor, practically my sister. Taylor and I have known each other since kindergarten and well she's the only person I hung out with all summer, not because I didn't have any other options but because I actually enjoy being around her and want to spend an excess amount of time with her. First off we found her English class, English first period for her, yikes. I had study hall. I mean the thought of study hall was nice but in all reality I haven't had a study hall since 7th grade and now I'm a junior. That made me a little nervous.
      I got to my study hall room about three minutes early. I mean hey, make a good impression on the first day am I right? I actually got there early because I forgot what time the bell actually rang at but I guess that's ok. The room began to fill with many people. Freshman, Sophomores, Juniors, Seniors. Enough so that when I wanted to sit at a desk there were non left.
"Oh, great." I put my hands in my pant pockets while I walked over to the seat in the corner away from everyone.
"I never missed it here." I began scanning the room for some relief, come on. At least one of my friends has got to be in this class with me.
The bell rings.
I take my seat.
I was wrong.
my stomach begins to churn.
"oh no."
"oh no the teachers going to call my name. it'll be okay Victoria, just say here, she won't look up from her computer anyways. come on you can do it."
none of my friends were in my class. I could feel myself getting worked up over it, my heart racing with the fact that the teacher was going to say my name, I would say here but would I totally manage to make fun of myself. I felt myself gasping for air as if there was none.
"Victoria Mayer?"
I felt myself gasp for air once more.
"H-Here, I'm here." I put my hand up, she did look up, oh god. Do I look okay? Did I sound weird? Can she tell I'm nervous? If so how? Can she read my mind? I looked at my hand while I put it down back on the desk, I was shaking. I wasn't quite sure what was going on. I had never been nervous like that before.
     Study hall went by slow, I had nothing to do, what does one do on a first period study hall on the first day of school where you don't know anyone, oh right, play on your phone and act like you're not having an anxiety attack. 2nd period is math, woo. Well not actually woo, I'm in a "dumb people's math" because my geometry teacher felt I didn't do well enough in her class so she sent me to intermediate algebra which is basically preparing me for trig. Little did she know I did perfectly fine in algebra in freshman year. The only thing I happened to like about the thought of it was the fact that I knew both Taylor and Angie were in that class with me. I've known Angie since 4th grade, her and Taylor don't always get along, would it be a scream fest a talk fest or a learn fest? Well I guess we're going to find out.
      Math actually ended up okay, they didn't fight, if anything this year in math is not only going to be easy but fun since two of my friends are in the class with me. Next was band. Honestly even walking into the classroom gave me anxiety, that teacher gave me anxiety, music gave me anxiety. see but that's just it, I'm so not used to anxiety, it all started sophomore year, when my band teacher mentally abused me to the point where my confidence was gone. since then I haven't been the same girl, the same person I was standing up in front of a crowd smiling after performing with an honors band or playing a solo. now I can't even play without having an anxiety attack, I hear my heart beating out of my chest, I feel my face get red, am I breathing? am I alive? what's happening? Now 6 months later and I'm feeling the same way, only add occasional dizziness and claustrophobia, she did it. she stripped me of everything I had worked on becoming, am I okay with myself like this? no. am I going to get it to go away? yes. I walked into the band room, holding my head up high. you can do this. I told myself. you can do this. But the moment I ended my conversation in my head I hear
"OH MY GOD VICTORIA HIII SWEETIE HOW WAS YOUR SUMMER???" My old band teacher. Welcoming me with open arms. We both know she does not like me that much. If she liked me that much I wouldn't be in this group. She wouldn't have kicked me out of the higher group where I feel I belong. So I kind of just shrugged her off.
"Hi, nice seeing you too. My summer was good."
I took my seat.
After band I went to lunch, at my school we have three lunches, early middle and late, dependent on what teacher you had you had a certain lunch. I happened to have early. Before lunch my friend Katie came and found me, Katie has known me since 3rd grade, she's some what popular so she's not very close with me anymore but I guess that's okay, at least I'm not sitting alone. So I went and sat with her and her friends. Now don't get me wrong, Katie is nice and sweet, so are her friends, but I'm literally knee deep in geniuses. The class I had after lunch was Honors Chemistry, which really freaked me the fuck out because I have NEVER been in an honors class before, let alone it be something I'm not very good at like science. I didn't talk much during lunch, I didn't even really eat much, I wasn't hungry, I just wanted the day to be over.
Chemistry actually went better than how I predicted it would've went, I wasn't as nervous as possible, I only had to talk myself out of a panic attack once. My moms a chemist so maybe this year will be okay. Next was honors history. woo. I only got in this class because I was good at Global history. American History confuses and makes me angry so this will be interesting this year.
       Well once again none of my friends were in my class, oh well I guess. The teacher already gave me 4 pages of homework. Fuck that. well hey at least today is over. I got on my bus with Jamie to leave the school.
"How was your day?"
"it was okay, how was yours?"
"Could've been better."
"Can't wait to get home."
"me too."
   Once I got home it was 2:30 PM. Now I was actually hungry. Probably because the day is over finally, thank god. My head was beating, I never even noticed I had a headache until I got home. Using my favorite method, aka the procrastination method, I sat on my couch and began to text J.D. he's basically an internet friend that I enjoy talking to and joke around with a bunch, We met through a friend of a friend and have known each other for about a year at this time. I don't want to say J.D is the best person on the planet, but he's my friend, what else should I say about him? I talk to J.D on a daily basis about EVERYTHING. 
    3:30 PM: Sat on Twitter since I got home from school cause guess who didn't reply, J.D. Homework? well I haven't even thought about it yet.
    4:30 PM: Starting my only homework, history.
    4:50 PM: J.D replied!!! What the actual fuck is this homework.
    5:00 PM: HELP! Hashtag girl problems when he doesn't reply.
    5:10 PM: He replied!!! I couldn't care less about my grade already.
    5:30 PM: wrote enough words to look like I tried, doesn't care about assignment anymore.
I ate my usual dinner with my parents, yes my parents are those parents that every night eat dinner with their child, wow! They asked the typical how was your first day of school stuff. It wasn't great, my stomach still hurts, maybe tomorrow will be better. Oh, right, I probably should reply to him now.