Sinking

impermanent

Surprisingly, nothing all that terrible occurred within the time spent at school that Friday. Once again, Phil and I awoke in the same bed after a long night of staying outside with our eyes straining towards the stars, the bitter cold stinging slightly although neither of us minded since the warmth of our hands made up for any brisk feelings anywhere else.

We'd made it to school on time, parting once we came towards that middle hallway, my steps set towards the History classroom while he headed to what I assumed was English. I'd walked in, (on time), and we still had Mrs. Anzo subbing so class went smooth, and for once none of the people who normally made life rough for me did it today.

I'd say it was a good day, but it wasn't. I still had this unsettling worry pressing against my chest, and after using it so many times worry didn't seem like the right word anymore. I could say it was perturbation, considering my feelings caused an uneasy despondency to nestle itself in all the crevices in my mind until I couldn't even remember what had caused it in the first place. Even with most of the events occurring during the day were nice, it all felt impermanent.

I'd said a sentence to Phil yesterday, but that was not at all why I was feeling like this. I didn't understand how he could seemingly flip a switch in his mind and suddenly give off this happy persona, smiling at others while on the inside he barely even saw them. I could see it right now, as I sat at lunch with this group of people. These people that were being so nice to me after years of a mutual silence. I had to admit that hanging out with them made my mood brighten. And it looked as if it made Phil's quite improved as well. However, I still felt dubious about whether or not it was all him hiding the sadness beneath.

I figured I could ask him when we walked home together later, if we did. He still wouldn't go back to his own house, and although I was grateful for the extra time with him, it didn't suffice for the utter confusion that still lay loitering underneath what I wished for my sentiments to be.

At the moment though, I was focusing on lifting my mood in order to socialize with who I would call my new friends. I was seated on an uncomfortable school bench squeezed with Tyler, Troye, Chris, and Louise on my right and Phil on my left, the conversation currently focused on Tyler's new job at a grocery store deeper into town. The bench across from this one was filled with Zoe, Alfie, Tanya, Marcus, and Caspar. I was half zoning out considering the effect of everyone's voices clashing simultaneously against each other, my eyes centralizing slightly on the current predicament and slightly on how pretty Phil's eyes looked as he stared off into the distance.

Most of the time I had things to add to the conversations going around at this lunch table, but the fact that I was still refusing to say a word to anyone except Phil just that one time last night made communicating my multiple opinions to the others a bit difficult when the one person you relied on for translations was barely attending the exchange anyway.

"And this bitch, like forty years old might I add, fucking walks off. Just like that!" I zone back into hear the last part of Tyler's wild story, watching as most of us laughed or made faces of surprise. I decided to go with the latter since I had no idea what that had been about anyway.

After a few moments of everyone eating, Louise spoke up, her words directed at Phil. "Hey, are you okay, sunshine?" I smiled at the nickname; almost everyone had a different nickname for Phil, like sunshine or motherfucker (that was Chris), and I found it adorable. Pretty much everyone appreciated Phil and I wished he could see it clearer.

His black hair whipped up quite quickly, wide blue eyes taking in everyone at the table looking at him, including me as I sat right next to him. "Yeah... why?" The first word was low and not convincing, and he seemed to notice it to because he coughed in a way I assumed was meant to show us it hadn't been unsure notions but only his throat acting up.