Sinking

amelioration

~hi theres a chapter before the one i posted of my photo w me and d&p but im p sure some ppl didn't get notified? It's called developing make sure u read that first~

A year could change so much.

It had, for me at least. Now, it had been one year since the start of a year that would bring me everything I'd ever dreamed of. It had been one year since Phil had read my mind and kissed me in that hall closet at Troye's house. It had been one year since I'd realized what love felt like. It had been one year since the timeline of my life had set into place, dragging me along with it instead of the other way around.

The fact that so many things had occurred within this time made me not frightened, as it probably should have, but excited. There were so many more years to come. I had no idea what they could hold.

Starting school had been great. Phil went to a university twenty minutes from mine, which was ten minutes from our apartment. We were extremely lucky that Phil's university didn't require him to live on campus the first year, so the two of us were able to come back to our home each night. He usually got back first, somehow, and I'd find him on the couch studying. My immediate instinct always was to fall beside him and layer him in kisses until he shoved me away and I eventually wandered into my studio, remaining there until one of us decided to ask the other about dinner. Nearly all of our meals were microwave dinners, which wasn't really that big of a change from what our old life had been.

I hadn't read anything in his sketchbook for about two months. The last time I'd checked, the entries were changing their direction with rapid speed. There was nothing about his sadness anymore, only the amelioration he'd found within the past year. I felt satisfied because he was happy.

Despite this, the negativity wasn't gone. Some mornings, getting dressed felt like I was submerging myself into wet concrete, or eating breakfast felt like swallowing rocks, or even leaving the apartment felt like trudging through sludge. On others, I'd get in our car, and I'd panic for minutes until remembering that I wasn't reliving the accident, feeling my heart pound against my rib cage while I tried to convince myself that it was all okay. Some nights, I'd wake up to Phil shaking because of a nightmare and when he woke up, he looked at me like I wasn't me, and I knew that he didn't see me in those moments. When it rained, I held his hand. When he looked at a man on the street and saw his father, I held his hand. I tethered him to me with the strings wrapped around our hearts, making sure it never snapped, making sure his past never pulled him too far. Mine, too.

We would always struggle. It was what life did. It messed with something in your existence and caused the rest of your time to be plagued with the memories, a wire slashed and sparking but never actually cut.

But it was better.

Our friends' lives were changing, too. PJ and Chris had decided they were better as friends, and now Sophie was dating Peej. Sophie went to school with me; she'd taken student loans and her life savings to do so. Nothing was awkward between her and PJ anymore, for which I was thankful. Zoe and Louise shared a dorm at a school for cosmetology. Troye was writing his first album, in hopes for it to be released this year. I did still help him with lyrics whenever we saw each other. Connor was taking pictures for the newspaper in our old town, and Tyler was going to school for public speaking.

Even if Phil and I were loners and mostly spent time with only ourselves, there were many times when all of us would group-skype and attempt to plan a time when we were all free so that we could go out to dinner.

That night, the last night of the year, happened to be one of those lucky times. To end and begin a year with friends was one of the best feelings in the world.