Sinking

nonetheless

"I know," I heard a voice, muffled, from above me. I felt comfy though, and I could feel a weight on the top of my head, relative to a hand. I lifted my head slowly, even though I really didn't want to.

"Good morning," The same voice greeted me, and my eyes nearly flew out of their sockets when I saw that it was Phil sitting right in front of me, his breathing tubes gone. He was thin and bruised and in a hospital gown, but smiling nonetheless. The doctor was next to him. "Did you-"

I interrupted him by jumping up from where I was lying on the edge of the hospital bed, basically flinging myself at him and wrapping both of my arms around his head, pushing him into my chest in a manner of protection from the rest of the world. I was shaking, and I knew that he could tell because he gently put his arms around me as well, after emitting a grunt of pain.

"Oh my god," I breathed weakly, not being able to hold on lightly even if I most likely was pushing at his sore places, "I was so worried. I am so, so sorry for everything that happened those weeks ago, I missed you so much and I can't believe I let myself think that you were okay without me or that I was okay without you and I am so, so sorry, Phil." I rambled against his hair until he shushed me.

"If anyone should be sorry, it's me," He told me, and I only noticed now the scratchiness behind his voice, as if his vocal cords were nails on a chalkboard when they let words escape. "I fucked up so bad, Dan. Terribly. I-"

I pulled away from him and noticed that the doctor who had been standing there moments ago had left, most likely to give us some privacy. "It doesn't matter, Phil, not anymore. I know you're sorry. I overreacted-"

"No, you didn't," He argued. "Don't say that. You had every right to respond like that."

I sighed. "Why did you go back to your house?"

He looked extremely reluctant to reply, but I held my gaze with his to show he was not getting out of answering this. "I went to yell at my dad. I figured if I got him angry enough, he would kill me."

I closed my eyes. He would kill me, echoed in my head. I wanted to find it unbelievable, but I didn't. Hopelessness was a stalker, one that went away once for long moments and let you believe you were finally free, but returned as soon as any sadness found its way back to you. It upset me more than anything. If I could take anything from the last three weeks or even the events last night; I didn't know what I would do without Phil.

I reached to take his hand in mine. "Please," I begged, "please, whenever you feel like that. Please don't act on it." When my words were followed by silence, I decided to try and say some of what I'd said last night. "I got your flowers," He looked up. "And I read the note. You love me?"

"I always have," He replied with no hesitation.

"That's good. Because I love you," He smiled so bright it shone like the sun, despite his dreary appearance due to yesterday. "I didn't realize until then, but I have for a long time. I can't do anything without you," I giggled lightly, ironically. "I was a wreck. I didn't sleep or eat. I thought I was mad at you, but I was just so-" I paused.

"Overwhelmed?" Phil finished for me.

I nodded. "And I think we can fix this-"

"We can, because I'm going to try my hardest," He interrupted. "I regret everything. It's one of those things that I just did without thinking about consequences. But I know them now, and being away from you was the worst one."

"You're coming home tonight," I ordered, and he laughed, the luscious laugh that I'd missed and had been waiting for.

"You're my home," He answered, "So I'm already there."