THE GANGSTERS NERDY FIANCE

Chapter I: Scar

~Chapter I: SCAR

Location : ReMor's Battle Arena

Time : 12:32 A.M.

"Why life should be meaningful enough?"

If by any chance, I would be given the privilege to describe my life . . . well believe me or not, it's unfortunately intricate. Together with this messy life I have, I don't even know if there is still a right path left for me to take and if there is still a happy ending waiting for me at the end of this so called "journey of life".  I once hoped to have one before, when I still believe in fairy tale. But now, I don't even know if I deserve to have one nor if it even exists.

I was never been sure of my decisions since most of the time I always doubt about what will be the exact contrast of every step that I will be taking. Sounds weird, but I'm used to calculate and predict the future. And if I did, then that would be the time where I'll have my final decision. I just have to decide without regrets at the end. 

I hate to feel it again.

In every chaos and disappointments that I unfortunately encountered, this is where I am a hundred percent sure that it will always have a direct proportional with anger and hatred I have within me through negative thoughts where I was born to have one. I can't help it.

I'm afraid to fail again.

It may not sound as good as what you've expected about me but sometimes, I just wish to end these things or else just to stop the time even for just a moment and gimme' a break. Though indeed will I never deserve one, a lowly sinner born to the darkest pit of life where hope remains unknown. I know I want to reminisce, bring back time, and want another chance to feel every memories long that I had forgotten and the life I have forsaken. In other words, my life is pointless, nothing. . . . nothing at all.

Things have changed, definitely for me, it means there's no turning back and forever will thy stay for what I chose. I deserve this. Not for the betterment, I just feel that this is the only place where I can see why I should go on with the flow and twists in my life that fate cruelly planned for me.

They say past is past and can never be discussed, but as far as I know. Past, is an experience you once took and will always be with you, a reason why you cry, the reason why you smile and the root of everything to become who you are in present. A past, is something you can never change and escape from.

All the things that are happening to me are mostly judged to be wrong, mostly judged to be pitiful, and cruel enough that I swear to the hills of Chocolate Hills you'd rather die than to be in my position.

With chaos as the thing which is horribly common in every direction you set your eyes on. And peace, as the perfectly unknown, alien word, and an impossible thing which has all been blinded from. They need to learn a lesson though.

But despite of those negative thoughts, they never cracked me even a bit. As so as it would never help me change the situation I'm involve with, will it?

I guess if by any chance I would be given a chance to choose another path, past will still chase me to death which sounds kinda' natural for me, honestly. For I was already there, half alive, half dead. Living a life without living the life. No matter how many times I keep on telling myself that I no longer fear death, well I'm proud to say I am such a great liar. Like who doesn't fear death? If you yourself perfectly knows you are not yet ready. Admit it, everyone wants to die with a meaningful death. 

With that thought, sometimes it makes me think of "Why humanity should be disgraceful and disgusting enough that even the person they share with the same blood, share the same memories, and the warm smiles they exchanged still left a mark of an unbearable pain?"