Two Shades Of Green. (Tayvin/Talvin)

-c h a p t e r 1-

"Harry, I still believe that this is just one big nightmare, please tell me it is and that I will wake up."

The words tumbled out in desperation. As much as I want this all to be a dream I know that it's not and I'm wasting time by asking but the pain is too much to bear that it almost becomes unbelievable. Like I'm living the worst nightmare in the world and I'm putting my children through it as well. There's a guilt that comes with Harry's illness, the guilt that I carry on my shoulders everyday. I take the fault of ripping their father away from them. Naturally, that's what humans do. Of course this isn't my fault and I'm not saying that it is, but how is it possible not feel guilty?

"If it weren't for our children, I would be selfish and say 'Don't leave me.' I have to realise that they are hurting too. What is so frustrating about this is that they are being robbed of a choice they didn't even know was theirs, they are being deprived of a father when they shouldn't be and I'm being deprived of a husband. That's not the way it should be."

He squeezes my hand. He was listening. He's always had an ear. His grip on my hand tightens almost to say 'Everything will be alright' To live in a world where his lungs stop breathing and his heart stops beating is a world that I have feared since the very first day. It would be a world of insanity, mainly for me. Comprehending this madness is impossible. Madness. It truly is madness. If it isn't now then it will be for me later. I want to protect Katrina and Caleb from the voices in their head but I will fail to do that. I know. Because my other half will be missing, the half of me that keeps me sane. Harry is better with Katrina. She's growing up and understanding a lot more. Although she's only five, to Harry she's already superwoman. To me she's still my baby girl who shares her fathers green eyes and my blonde hair. Caleb has a more quiet persistence about him however it's uncertain whether he'll stay that way, he's only three. Harry always says to me that Caleb must have skipped the part where he developed my genes, upon his first months of growing in my womb, as he's an exact replica of the man I fell in love with, only younger.

I often wonder if what I'm doing is going to be enough for them. The information I pass onto them from Harry. His last words for them. His last moments on earth. Will it calm their busy thoughts? Will it put ease to their grief? Will it make up for the times that he will be missing? I should only hope that it will be. To hope for otherwise would be considered jinxing myself.

"Tell them I love them. Tell them Daddy's watching them and that I'm so proud."

I nod to promise him. The words are not there. My smile stretches slightly on my face as he opens his eyes and finds me. In his world of darkness two young children are his light. Two young children told him to keep fighting, even for limited time. Limited time is better than no time at all. I'm thankful for the limited time we have with him. It's something I know they'll hold on to forever. His eyes look around the room for our little ones. he sees that they're not here and frowns. I press my lips to his forehead and whisper; "I love you." His eyes thank me as I pull him out of confusion. I know he needs those words. He needed reassurance, although I think I need reassurance more than him right now.

"Where are Kate and Caleb?"

He says his eyes heavy and his voice tired. It hurts every part of me to see him suffer like this especially knowing there's nothing I can possibly do about it. All I can do is be here and hold his hand. The treatment, which is giving him an extra year of life, has effects on his brain. He will get confused with which day it is, thus not knowing wether Kate is at school or not. Kate struggles with going to school. She doesn't like the thought of coming home to the chance that her daddy might not be here anymore and everyday I reassure her that he's going to stay for a little longer. I might be telling myself that too.