Two Shades Of Green. (Tayvin/Talvin)

- c h a p t e r 6 -

Pain dissolves only if you let it. However like a stained shirt, no matter how many times you wash it, the mark is always there, it may be just a faded dot but it's still there. Pain is always going to be ingrained in our lives that's the way Harry left it but he left the world with hope to start a fresh. It's been five years but his scent still sticks to the sheets, his clothes are all still in our wardrobe the only thing that's changed in five years is that I can no longer hear his heart beat or his voice ring out my name. Caleb is eight now and Katrina is ten. Katrina refuses to be called 'Kate' anymore she says it's too childish but I think it's because that's the name Harry called her and she doesn't want to bear the pain that comes with it.

I think she's been the most affected by Harry's death out of the two of them. I suppose it's because Caleb never really got to know his father and that is something I hold against myself even after five years. I have stayed true to Harry's request; I haven't taken my wedding ring-which has saved me from the judgemental stares when I walk into a room with two children, it has saved me from having to put my love aside for Harry and move on with another man. However I didn't give Caleb the father Harry asked for, I took that away from him out of my own selfishness and grief. Today is the day I dread all year. It means another year has passed by since he died but I still hold onto that little hope that he'll come bursting through our front door and sweep me of my feet and give me the kiss I have been waiting half a decade for. It becomes easier and easier to deal with as each day passes by and I cannon't help but think that the reason why is because he's getting further and further away. A soft knock comes from my door. Time to face this day Taylor. Time to visit Harry. I hear the door creak open and a silhouette emerge. Caleb. He's been surprisingly supportive of me whilst Katrina has created a void between us. I don't blame her. However I would like to see that smile that left her face so long ago. I smile at my son who was grown so much. I still remember the days he was small enough to fit on my hip and I would selfishly carry him around everywhere even although he was perfectly capable of walking. He still looks like Harry. It's not painful to have a reminder of Harry, it's actually relieving when things become too overwhelming. He climbs into the sheets with me and I wrap my arms around him. His head nuzzles into my chest and his breaths are steady against my skin. This is a daily occurrence for him and I in-fact sometimes I climb into his bed and hold him tight till my nightmares have escaped my mind. 

"Hey little buddy. Good morning."

I feel him smile at the sound of my voice. I just hope that Katrina will turn around sometime and realise that I love her and I'm here for her, that she doesn't have to fight off the monsters alone, that I will gladly take her place in fighting off the voices in her head.

"Sometimes it feels like I don't have a sister."

I feel bad for Caleb. Katrina has shut him out in the desperation of trying to find her father amongst this world, if only should would realise that she won't find him. Caleb doesn't have a father anymore so I've become both parents but there are still places in life where I can't be as good as Harry would be, but I know that Caleb knows I'm trying my hardest and that's all I need.

"She loves you. Caleb. She's just confused..she's grieving..."

Most eight-year-olds don't know the definition of 'grief' but for Caleb that term is all too familiar. Most eight-year-olds don't know what it's like to be rejected by their sister to the point where she won't acknowledge him anymore either.

"She's been grieving for five years mom, even you have moved on."

That's true, I have. But the first step to overcoming grief is to know that they're gone and you can't change that. It's cruel and a ten-year-old shouldn't have to endure that pain but there's nothing else to do. It was never fair and never will be but Katrina needs to be strong, she needs to be more than strong...she needs to be courages and brave. She needs to know that there are people around her who care about and will support her, she needs to let Harry go even though it's the hardest thing to do, she has to.