Two Shades Of Green. (Tayvin/Talvin)

- c h a p t e r 5 -

I pace my barefoot down the carpeted hallway and stop at Katrina's door. I take a deep breath and close my eyes as I grip onto the door handle and it swings open. Katrina is buried underneath her blanket. She has pictures of her friends on the wall and frames of her and Harry. Some of the four of us as a family. But we've all grown a lot since these photos were taken. I walk over to her and sit on the side of the bed. I pull the blanket off her head, her curly locks are all ruffled on her face. My hand smooths the curls so I can see her face which looks so angelic.

"Katrina, time to take up sweetie."

I say to her sleeping form. I kiss her forehead knowing that she'll get up when she's ready. "Katrina, I know this is hard for you but I'm going to be here everyday, I know you miss your dad but he would have wanted you to be happy...I love you sweetie." I say to her and pace out of the room closing the door shut. I know she heard me. I heard her crying last night and everything in me hurt so much I just wanted to pull her into my arms and never let go. I don't want her to hurt anymore. When she was a little younger, just after he went, she would rest on my chest for hours in the hospital crying and telling me that the day before Harry was laughing and telling jokes and now he's not breathing anymore. I did everything to make her feel okay. I put aside my pain and tended to hers and Caleb's, I tired my hardest to subside their pain only to go to mine at the end of the day and have to sort through what was in my head. My mom said there are times when there's nothing I can do for her, that she has to figure it out herself. Last night was one of those times.

I just hope she doesn't feel like, no-one hears her screams for affection for her father. I see that Caleb is sitting on the couch very into the disney channel. I shake my head- in amusement think. Back a couple years ago he had to remind not to put four plates as I had just forgotten I guess.

"Hey buddy. could you set the plates?"

Caleb's head pops up from the sofa and nods. His bare feet echo on the floor boards. I smile as he pulls each plate out and places it on the table. I have to remind myself, he's not three anymore and that he's growing up. Too quickly for my liking. It's like this automatic schedule for him, help me with breakfast, try and get Katrina out of bed before ten o'clock. On the weekdays it's worse as she has to wake up earlier. Caleb's my little helper and I love that he wants to do all these things with me. I don't want to wash the dishes alone, so I do it with him. We throw soap at each other and by the end of it the kitchen floor is flooded but it just means we'll have more laughter cleaning it up.

Chores aren't boring in this household at all. I flip the last pancake and place on the stack with the rest. Caleb grabs the maple syrup and places it on the table as we sit down. Pancakes are his favourite and I'd gladly make them for the rest of my life if it means he has that same smile every time. I ruffle my hand through his hair and laugh with him as we start breakfast.

"We have this day at school, where the dads get to come in and do stuff with us and we show them our work..."

I swallow the piece of food in my mouth and focus on my son. His life is not normal but I try my hardest for him to live the best life that it exhausts me at the end of day but I feel a great relief. Every year they get the fathers to come in and spend the day with their child. In previous years I've asked my dad to go with Caleb and he's gladly accepted but Caleb's tone tell me that this time it might be different.

"I told my teacher that...daddy's not here anymore...and she said I could bring you instead. I love having Grandpa there, but I would really like you to come...if you're not busy."

His tone of voice when he said 'daddy's not here anymore' He's always been cautious when saying that because everyone in this house is perfectly capable of falling to their knees, crying at those words. In previous years, my dad would go to Caleb's and my mom would go with Katrina because she's never wanted me to come with her to anything. She hates me. She hates me because she blames me for Harry's death. Because of that she wants nothing to do with me.