Two Shades Of Green. (Tayvin/Talvin)

-c h a p t e r 2 -

The sun shines. It's a pretty messed up day for it to be shining. People are gathered on the soft grass. Gathered in tears and cries. My tears fall underneath my sunglasses. Kate grips on my dress, her face buried in the soft silk. My arms tighten around Caleb on my hips. Someone's hand is on my shoulder, I'm not sure who's. My dad tries to pull Kate away from my legs, she resists. I knew she would. I pull one arm around her back rubbing is in circles, her cries are silently breaking my heart. Caleb stirs on my shoulder, I bob up and down slightly trying to get him back to sleep as he rests his head back where it lay before and continues his peaceful sleep. I don't think he knows what's happening. Part of me is glad about that. I struggle with the one hand supporting Caleb, but I manage. I rest my head against his tiny little forehead and close my eyes filling up my lungs with air. Caleb's little breathes hit my neck so softly, his green eyes are closed and his mouth is parted slightly. My lips press to his cheeks and move his head further into my neck to shield him from the sun. He doesn't know it yet. The pastor clears his throat, not that there's anyone talking, our voices have been muted from the immense pain. Even Austin has barely talked. "Ladies and Gentlemen, we are gathered here today, in honour of Harry Styles. A great, kind compassionate man. Who was dedicated to his family, Kate, Caleb and Taylor Styles. Although mounting his loss brings us great pain, we know that he is happier now. I would like to invite his wife, Taylor Styles, to share a few words." He nods at me. I swallow hard and turn around, my eyes find my dad. He steps forward and gently takes a sleeping Caleb from my arms and cradles him, rocking back and forth. My mom appears and takes a distressed Kate from my legs, who didn't give up without a fight. I kiss her forehead and squeeze her hand. Her head rests on my mom's shoulders as she watches me walk up to the pastor and switch places with him. I pull my sunglasses off my head and stare down at the ground for a moment, breathing in a huge batch of air. Please, Harry. Help me get through this without breaking down. "I um, I wrote a letter for Harry. I just didn't know any other way." My hands unfold a crinkled piece of paper as my eyes travel around from person to person.

"My dearest Harry, the time has come, the most dreaded time in my life of the past year. I watched so many fairytales come to life, but I watched ours come to it's end. I want to take it all back, I want to relive every moment again, every laugh, smile and fight. Any fight of ours is better than standing here today having to say goodbye to you forever. I didn't believe it, when the doctors told me you were gone, I didn't want to. I never thought that Harry Styles, the guy from my high school football team, the guy with the jump in his step, the guy with the lively eyes, I couldn't comprehend the thought of you not being on this planet anymore. I couldn't look at my children and not see you in them. I can't get out of bed knowing that you won't be next to me, or down stairs making breakfast. I can't walk down the streets and not feel your warm hand in mine. Harry, I can barely get through one day without seeing you smile, or feeling your kiss on my lips. There are a lot of things I thought I could never be able to do without you, but these past few weeks have proved me wrong. The greatest truth of them all though, is that I was never given a chance to believe that I wasn't going to loose you. It was a given, from the start, even before they diagnosed you. And on the dreadful day where they broke the news to us, I remember what you said to me...."

My eyes well up with tears and my lungs breathe air at a fast pace. "'Time spent with you is not wasted time, it's cherished time.' I didn't know what you were talking about then but now I do. I know that our love was rare and beautiful and our time was cut short but it was magical and I will cherish it forever. I will always remember your eyes and the way they sparkled in the light, or the way your nose scrunched up when you were laughing, but most of all, Harry, I will never forget how special you made me feel, how lucky I am to have had the chance of loving you, how blessed I am to have two pieces of you to remind me everyday how much we loved each other and just how wonderful you really were. I love you and goodbye." Kate runs up to me, tears streaming down her face. I pick her up, her legs lock around my waist. I close my eyes as my arms wrap tightly around her. "It's okay." my words are reassuring. "It's okay, we'll be okay."

As we bid our final goodbyes to him. The wind wraps around me holding my daughter. I look down at the white rose in my hand and twist it around. I noticed it's thorns, sharper than I've ever seen, I start to wonder why such a beautiful flower needs this feature. Are the thorns just protection build around the walls of the flower to prevent anyone from destroying it? Or are they like the painful exterior of something with so much more beauty inside? What happens if the thorns were to be taken away?

I think the more important question is, now that Harry is gone, is if my walls are already up, what happens when I finally let them down? Now that Harry is gone how will I ever be okay? How will I ever learn to stand back up on my two feet again? How will I know when the tears I shed for Harry are enough?

No, they will never be enough, I'll always cry. Because the thought of loosing him broke my heart and then it became reality and all I could manage to do was cry, it seems as though everything that was associated with him makes me cry, even my children. His children.

I'll miss him terribly, after all that's all that my heart is immersed in right now. The walls will look even more evil than they were before and I'll always want to punch a hole through them, I'll destroy them to the point where they're no longer standing, then have to build them up again. For a while it'll distract me temporarily from the pain, I think that's part of the reason why I punched them down, the other half was because I wanted an answer to this madness, but after the job is done, there's even more grief amounting in a pile and destroying those walls does nothing. Absolutely, fucking nothing. Might as well put a gun to my head, seems more useful.

That night while I lay in our bed, after saying goodbye, after knowing that he is never going to lay in this bed ever again. I shed a tears, a lot of them. The mumbles coming out of my mouth were a series of 'Why' dulled by the constant flow of crying. The knife seemed so fit in my hand, against my skin. It seemed right. But before I could relieve myself with the blade cutting into my skin, Caleb cries from his room. I wasn't going to do it anyway. I don't think I could be capable of that. Harry wanted more than that and I sure as heck wasn't let him down because I was deep into feeling the effects of the absence of his presence.

A/N

And chapter two is up!

Two chapters a day, I'm on a roll! Yeaahhhh

Oh, I put up a song that matches the chapter quite well. I think I'll start doing that from now on. ;)