Psychopath. (bwwm) ✓

25. fears and changes

(I Hate You, Don't Leave Me -Demi Lovato cover by Olivia Accola)

SAD CHAPTER AHEAD IF YOU COULDN'T ALREADY TELL

|25.| fears and changes

"Jan, I think you need to talk to her," I'd heard Sidney's frantic whisper sounding from the opposite end of the room. Kat was long gone somewhere during my mental breakdown, Phoenix calling her and her leaving with a half-hearted apology. It'd been ten minutes, ten minutes of me trying to process everything I'd seen and heard. January cut himself; January Calligan, my best friend, the gayest of the gay in the best possible way had cut himself. And the worst part is, he'd been doing it for a while and Sidney knew about it.

Throughout those ten minutes alone, I'd started to notice all the signs I'd pushed away: his long sweatshirts and the fact that I'd once caught Sidney holding his wrists when he'd first gotten back from DC. She'd been checking for evidence of self-harm and I didn't pay enough attention.

I felt the tears start to pour down my cheeks again as a sob pushed its way through my throat and out into the air as I tried to catch myself. Shoving my hand to my mouth, I tried not to make any noise because I wasn't the one hurting, Jan was. Still, that didn't stop the ache in my chest.

It was silent.

"Em..."

And with all the strength I had, I struggled to look up at him, my lips bitten raw and I hadn't cared. I let out a shaky breath, not being able to speak and averting my eyes to my hands as I pushed past the lump in my throat, "Why?"

Everything seemed fine; he seemed fine and I couldn't process how broken he seemed on that bathroom floor and how his lively blue eyes were misty and ashen. I wiped at my nose, shoving my face into my elbow, I tried to slow my breathing.

I feel like I can't breathe.

"Why what?" he was bouncing around the issue and normally, I let him because that was a very Jan thing to do but this was serious and him being all nonchalant about it was pissing me off. I sighed, shaking slightly when I'd released my breath.

"Don't act fucking stupid," his breath hitched but I couldn't stop the words from tumbling out my mouth, "why would- how could you ever..."

"I don't really know," he muttered, scratching his hand nervously and licking at his lips.

"Don't bullshit me, January."

Breath hitching, his eyes darted up to meet mine and the tears in them were heartbreaking. I felt my head pound at the look on his face and my heart stopped beating at the next words that came out of his mouth, "I hate myself, Em."

Suddenly it felt like the world had stopped spinning, the wind being knocked out of me and Sidney's strangled sobs into her elbow being the only thing I could hear. My head was pounding and I struggled to breathe as Jan just sat there as if nothing was wrong.

And then I heard Jackson's voice, my head whipping over to the door. He wasn't supposed to be here and he definitely wasn't supposed to hear any of this. Jackson was just fifteen, he didn't need to know that his best friend in the world hated himself. He didn't need to know any of this but he did and you could see the shock on his face.

He'd dropped the tv remote from his hand, breathing ragged as his hands shook. And from the way his lips trembled and his jaw clenched, I could tell Jackson was fighting a breakdown again because that's what he did. He fought because he wanted to be strong even when he was hurt, "What?"

It was all too much; it was all falling apart way too fast.

"I hate that I'm gay, I hate how alone I always feel, I fucking hate that I'm always the reason Oliver is arrested," Jan cried, "I ruined his life."