ANATHEMA

chapter fifteen: tear in my heart

I wasn't sure how long we stayed in that music store. Long enough to have looked through every CD and record, long enough to have made Tyler play on every ukulele, even the garish pink one, long enough for it to gave gotten dark outside. When Tyler went to the back to marvel at the gong that was bigger than he was, I bought him seven new ukulele picks, all in different colors.

Ukulele picks are different from regular guitar picks; while guitar picks are small and made of plastic, ukulele picks are bigger and made from a softer material. The tip can become worn down after a lot of playing, which is something Tyler does. All of his picks have become worn down to the nub, so he's been playing with his fingers, which tears them up just as much as a pick.

"Do you wanna go for a walk?" Tyler asked shortly after making my purchase. I hid the small bag in the inside pocket of my coat, so he wouldn't see it.

"Yeah," I said with a smile. "Yeah, that would be really nice."

I turned to face the door and froze. Standing outside the window was the girl from the medical ward. She was staring at me with her hand placed on the window, her fingers all spread out. When she noticed me staring back, she tilted her head and widened her eyes, looking absolutely manic. Her hand curled into a fist.

I turned to Tyler, who was handing the cashier some coins and taking a bag, and said, "Um, Tyler, I..." I turned around and she was gone again.

"Did you say something?" Tyler asked, shoving the bag into his own inner pocket.

"Uh, no, I didn't," I stuttered.

He just shrugged and took my hand, leading me out of the store. I expected to see the multi-colored haired girl walking away, but there was nobody apart from the two of us on the street.

"You okay?" Tyler asked. When I looked at him, I saw genuine worry emanating from his eyes. He gives me that look a lot, it seems.

"Yeah," I assured him. "Yeah, I'm fine." He sent me a small smile and started walking, my hand in his.

We didn't see anybody else from the hospital. My guess was that they were at the pubs, even though Dr. Urie was against it.

"Follow me," Tyler said, walking ahead of me and dragging me by my hand. We walked behind the buildings through an empty alleyway.

Somehow, an entire park was squeezed in between the backs of the buildings and a cliff face. It wasn't very big, but it was strangely beautiful in it's own small way, complete with big trees and a little pond in the middle, surrounded by park benches.

"How did you know this was back here?" I asked Tyler in awe.

"I've been a part of these trips for awhile now," he said, looking over the little park. "You find the emptier parts of town when you really need it."

"Wait," I say. "I thought you said-"

"I've been here since May?" he finished my question, looking slightly uneasy. "That wasn't technically a lie, I have been here since May. Just...not this year?"

"Tyler, how long have you been admitted in the hospital?"

"...Since 2009..."

"Six years!?"

"Maybe?"

I just sighed and sat on the closest park bench. Tyler wasted no time in sitting right next to me.

"Why are you there, Tyler?" I ask him. "You've never really told me."

"You don't want to know," he muttered, looking down to his feet.

"I do, though," I say, turning sideways to face him. I did want to know. If he was as bad as I am, then maybe I can help him through everything. I wanted to help Tyler more than anything.

He just shook his head, running his hand through his long, brown hair.

"I know you want to help," he said, practically reading my mind. "But, if I tell you, I know you'll do what everybody else does when they hear."

"Tyler," I said, leaning closer to him. "I know how that feels. They'll tell you they're so sorry you're going through that, but they won't do anything about it. If you couldn't tell, I'm in the same boat as you. You can tell me anything."

Tyler looked up at me, his eyes so full of emotion, I wanted to look away, but I couldn't.

"Alright," he sighed.

"When I was twenty years old, I tried to kill myself. It wasn't the first time, not even close. I've tried different ways; took a bunch of pills, cut up my wrists and hoped to bleed out, walked out into the street, but it never happened. I tried to hang myself, but my parents came home at the wrong time. They came into my room to ask me something right as I kicked the chair away. My dad held me up as my mom cut me loose. They asked me a million questions, but I was practically unconscious. They took me to a doctor, who said I had to be sent to California to a proper insane asylum. But, I'm not insane, I'm just...sad. Just sad."

He looked back up at me, his eyes saying, 'This is the part where you pity me'.

I didn't pity him. He didn't need pity.

I reached over to him and enveloped him in my arms. He stiffened at my touch, but relaxed soon enough, wrapping his own arms around me.

"You know, it's okay to cry sometimes," I said quietly. "Sometimes that's what you need."

"I don't want to," Tyler muttered into my coat. "I don't want to embarrass myself."

"Oh, please," I exclaimed. I took him by the shoulders and held him at arm's length, glaring into his eyes. "You've seen me break before, and I'm not embarrassed at all. People will eventually see that side of you if they want to be close to you."

Tyler just shook his head and sniffled, saying, "I don't just have this depression; I've got pretty bad anxiety, too. So bad that I'm regretting everything I've just told you. I get afraid of what people will do when I tell them personal stuff, so I just don't talk."

"You talk to me," I say, the corners of my lips turning up.

"You're different, Ophelia," he smiled back.

I broke eye contact as I noticed white flakes rain down from the black sky.

Looking up, I saw snow falling down. The sky was covered in dark clouds, so the stars and moon was covered. The only light illuminating the flurries was the orange street lamps.

My eyesight came back down to the ground and froze directly across from us.

On the other side of the park was a recognizable figure. The medical ward Martinez girl was standing in between two trees, staring at me. She rose her hand and waved, tilting her head like before.

"Ophelia?"

I looked back to Tyler, whose eyes were filled with his familiar worry.

"Sorry, I..." I turned to look for the girl again. She was gone. I still felt like I was being watched, though, which sent chills down my spine, causing me to shiver. "I'm, ah, just cold," I lied. I pulled out the earmuffs
I was given and slipped them over my ears. It almost instantly blocked out all other noise. I could hear only the surging of my blood in my ears.

I thought I heard Tyler's muffled voice, so I pulled a single muff from my ear, saying, "Did you say something?"

"Oh, n-no," he stuttered, looking down at the ground. "I just think we should be heading back to the square, we'll probably be leaving soon."

I nodded and stood, stretching my arms out.

I held my hand out to Tyler, saying, "We should get going then, we still need to get Josh and Ashley Christmas presents." He gingerly took my hand, instantly warming my fingers. He stood, but kept our fingers laced together, making a bubbly feeling spread throughout my entire body.

It took me three steps to realize I liked Tyler more than previously thought.