ANATHEMA

chapter twenty: snow on the road

Those three weeks passed by agonizingly slowly. I spent more time with Josh and Ashley. I laughed and talked more, but it didn't really feel genuine. Dr. Ross was almost positive that I was getting better. Since I've never had a seizure or heart problems, he thinks I'll be one of the lucky schizophrenics that will get better and live a normal life.

I had been showing up to his weekly sessions, not because I wanted to, but because I had nothing better to do.

Dr. Ross was ecstatic about it, ranting on and on about how me coming to terms with my mental illness would be sure to continue my healing, or whatever. He was talking about how proud he was of me for half the time I was meant to be there. I talked about the death of my pet dog for the rest.

It was steadily getting closer to Christmas when Dr. Urie started planning our group sessions accordingly.

"Alright, people," he said when a session started. "If you can remember, a couple weeks ago, we went out and did a little shopping for our friends and family outside of the hospital. Today, we've got wrapping paper and cards for you to work with until dinner tonight. All of your supplies are over in the corner with the other artsy stuff. Can't wait to see what you do!"

With that, he sent us off to wrap our presents, making us feel like kindergartners.

Josh and Ashley and I sat by ourselves in the corner, using tiny, multi-colored safety scissors to cut the smooth wrapping paper.

"Nobody look, I'm wrapping your guys' presents and you're not allowed to see them beforehand," Ashley demanded, placing our gifts in her lap. Josh and I did the same, turning away from each other and hurriedly wrapping the presents.

"So, what did you guys get Tyler?" Josh asked. "He may not have contributed much to conversation, but I miss the little guy."

Ashley placed her present on the table and smiled, saying, "It's a new journal. He's filled up practically all of the ones he's been given by the hospital, they're not gonna give him another one. Do you guys want to sign it, or something?" We nodded fervently.

Josh and Ashley wrote theirs on the very first page, including hearts and smiley faces and other symbols. But, I flipped the notebook to the very back.

I wrote a page-long note, writing down my feelings towards him. I made it heartfelt, scribbling every emotion I've ever felt towards this dumb boy.

"Damn, that's a long signature," Ashley said, noticing how much I was writing.

"It's personal, I guess," I said quietly.

She gave me a knowing look, and I furrowed my eyebrows at her.

"Me, too," she whispered, winking.

"Wait, what do you-"

"Oh, God, no, not with...," she stuttered. She gestured between her and Josh and said, "Me and Josh are together."

At the mention of his name, Josh looked up with widened eyes, saying, "What? What did I do?"

Ashley just sighed, "We're a thing, Joshua."

"Oh!" He swung to meet my eyes, "Yeah, we're a thing."

I laughed at them. I knew it.

"We could tell, you guys didn't hide it very well," I said.

Josh just shrugged and brought out his present for Tyler.

"I got him this cool light bulb slash microphone thing. I'm not sure how it works, but when you sing into it, it turns on and it lights up. I thought it was sick, and I know he likes writing songs and stuff, so I thought he could start singing or whatever," he said. It looked like a regular, old microphone, but Josh seemed content with his purchase.

I threw the tiny, plastic bag of ukulele picks on the table.

The two gave me weird looks.

"What?" I defended. "He likes playing the ukulele."

We finished our wrapping in silence.

/~/

Thankfully, three weeks passed by quickly.

"Hey, isn't Tyler getting out of medical today?" Ashley asked at breakfast.

"Yeah," I said with a smile. "He leaves the ward after dinner."

"Why don't we have our little Christmas present exchange thing today?" Josh suggested, twirling his spoon in his cereal. "Like, during dinner, we take all our gifts to him and we open them together, like an actual family does."

"What about Tyler's presents?" Ashley asked.

"I'll go to his room and find them," I said. "He doesn't hide things very well."

We all agreed on this idea. I didn't let them know, but the thought of them being my real family made my heart swell with joy.

The few hours to dinner passed reluctantly slowly. It felt like I had read every book the makeshift library had to offer me.

But, the dinner bell rang, making me look up to make eye contact with Ashley. She sent me the smallest of smiles, then slowly stood from her spot, trying not to look suspicious in any way. I saw Josh follow after her like a lost dog, looking slightly less worried over who sees him.

According to our plan, they would go to the medical ward and make sure it was empty for us. Once it's clear, they'll tell Tyler what they're doing, with me coming behind them will all of the wrapped presents in my arms.

Once I left the main room, I sprinted to where I found out Tyler's room was. Luckily, the doors were left open during meals, so I was able to sneak in with ease.

Tyler was given a desk, like I had, so I rustled through the drawers in it, searching for the things Tyler told me he got for our friends.

Soon enough, I found Ashley's songwriting journal and Josh's new drumsticks, unwrapped.

I knew Tyler had my gift.

I walked quietly and calmly out of his room and towards the medical ward, having memorized the layout of the building by now.

I stopped outside the ward, leaning in to listen to see if the coast was clear.

"We know about you and Ophelia, Tyler," I heard Ashley say. I held my breath, not daring to enter the room now.

"O-Oh, no, it's n-not like that, you see-"

"Don't even try, buddy," she laughed. "It's alright, she told me."

I could hear Tyler sigh with relief.

"You must really like her, huh?" Josh asked him.

"Y-Yeah...I think I do," Tyler said quietly. I knew what he was doing; he was looking down at his hands and playing with his fingers. "But, I don't know if she likes me the same way. I'm so messed up in the head, I'm scared I'll frighten her and make her run away."

"Tyler, literally just shut the fuck up," Ashley cried. "You might be a genius, but you're really dumb sometimes. It's so obvious you two are head over heels for each other. I can almost guarantee that as soon as she walks through that door, the first person her eyes will land on will be you."

To prove her point, I decided to walk in then.

And whether I wanted to or not, I looked at Tyler first.

He was already staring at me, his eyes full of an emotion I could now identify.

I smiled at him, walking over with all of our presents stuffed in my sweatshirt.

"Merry Christmas, Tyler," I murmured
to him when I was standing right next to him.

"Merry Christmas, Ophelia," he said right back.

I turned around and dumped the gifts onto the cot next to us, the one I had once occupied.

I distributed the presents like I was Santa Claus himself. We all sat on Tyler's cot, laughing and thanking each other and telling stories of Christmas' past.

And once again, I couldn't help but feel normal when I was with them.

And nothing, not even the looming thought of what I knew was to happen in the very near future could dull this moment.