End Game

End Game - Chapter 8

Chapter 8

            “So, how was your first class?” Rayanne asks me as we are walking to lunch.

            I asked Rayanne to come with Zane and I, so it felt less like a date.

“It was really good actually,” I replied.

I am honestly surprised at how much I enjoyed it. It was just an introduction to Sociology class but I think I have finally figured out where I want my life to go.

            “I think it made me realize what I want to do with my life,” I tell Rayanne.

            “That’s great Hannah. What did you decide?” Rayanne asks me.

“I think I am going to go into social work. I want to help kids who come from homes like mine. If only one person had seen that my mom or I needed help, then maybe I wouldn’t be in therapy right now.”

I cringe as I realize the two horrible things I just said. First, I basically said that Rayanne and Aunt DeDe weren’t there for me, and second, I just admitted to Rayanne that I was seeing a therapist. Shit, Shit, Shit! How the fuck am I going to explain this?

            “I am so sorry. I didn’t mean that you and Aunt DeDe weren’t there for me. My mom and I did a great job at hiding all the really bad stuff. Everything that you guys saw wasn’t that bad. You had no way of knowing what she was doing and saying to me when it was just her and I.”

            Rayanne stopped walking and looked at me. I couldn’t believe what I saw when I looked at her. She had tears in her eyes. Never in my entire life have I seen Rayanne cry. She has had her heart broken and bones broken and I never saw a tear. I was always pretty sure that she cried when she was alone. There were a few times, when I would come into her room, and you could tell she had been crying. I never pushed, because if she didn’t want to tell me what she was crying over, then it wasn’t my place to push. It was wrong. I should have pushed. That is what real friends do, even if they won’t like the answer. I am going to make a conscience effort to do that. From now on I am going to push. If I want her there for me I need to be there for her.

            “Hannah, I am so fucking sorry that I never saw anything. I honestly think I did but ignored it. I was scared. I was always afraid of her. The things she would say and call me. I can only imagine what she called you. I am so sorry. I let my fear of her cloud what I should have done for you. Can you ever forgive me?”

            “Of course I can! I think the truth is we both put up walls around each other. I don’t want that. You are my sister no matter what. I want us to be there for each other, always. I am going to be working so damn hard to be a better version of myself,” I told her.

            “Is that why you are seeing the therapist?” she asked.

            “Yes, it is. I want to be open and happy. I don’t want to be her. Even if, someday, I do become bipolar I want to do it right. I want to have the tools to deal with things. But, most of all, I want to believe that I am loveable. I even question you loving me. I hate myself for that.”

I am crying at this point, and Rayanne has pulled me to a bench in the park, near the restaurant we are meeting Zane at.

            “Don’t ever question that, Hannah. I know that I deserve you questioning it. I mean, we left with her. My mom and dad didn’t try to help you, and I am so fucking sorry about that Hannah. They have a shitty marriage, and pretty much can’t stand each other, so they were selfish and dealing with their own shit.”

            “I had no idea Ray. I always thought they had it all,” I told her, trying desperately to clean up my face before Zane shows up.

            “Guess we all hide stuff from people, even the people we love,” Rayanne told me as she hugged me.

            “I guess so, huh. Its nice talking to you about real stuff Ray,” I tell her.

            It’s true when I really think about our life together; we never shared. I mean, we shared, but not the real stuff and not the things that make people who they are. The superficial stuff we had covered.

            “It is nice. Can we promise to do it from now on? I know that it won’t be easy. I know old habits die hard, but we have to try, okay?”

            “You got it bitch,” I say laughing.

            Rayanne starts laughing too and we must have looked like two crazy people, hugging and crying on a park bench. It was one of the happiest moments I had ever really had with Rayanne. I wasn’t pretending anymore. I always pretended to be better than I was. I don’t want to pretend anymore. I want to just be better.

            After a couple minutes we got ourselves together and both helped each other fix our make-up. I started to stand up but Rayanne stops me.

            “Can I ask you how it went with the therapist? If you want to keep that to yourself, Hannah, I completely understand.”

            “No, I can tell you how it went. It was okay, I guess. Felt really weird talking to someone about my mom, and stuff that isn’t even about her. I mean, I have only been once, so I don’t have any great answers or anything. I guess the talking about it is supposed to help.”

What I don’t tell Rayanne is that I talked about her and our relationship today also. I also talked about Zane and what he did to me. My therapist also let know that I would have assignments. I don’t know what they are yet, and I really don’t want to know.

            “I truly believe that it will help, Hannah,” Rayanne tells me, just as we see Zane walking up the sidewalk.

I immediately feel my heart start to race and butterflies in my stomach. How can I still have this kind of reaction when I see him? With everything that has happened between us, I need to let these feelings go.

            I turn towards Rayanne and grab her arm, “Please, Rayanne, don’t say anything to him about anything that we have talked about. The last thing I need or want is him knowing about any of this.”

            “Don’t worry, Hannah. I won’t say anything to him. Just know this…I know what he wants to tell you, and believe me when I say you have learn to trust him again. I won’t say anything more because it is his story to tell.”

            I don’t know how to take what she just told me. What the hell does Zane have to tell me? I am so confused at this moment. I don’t know if learning to trust him is as important as me trying to stop loving him at this point. Because, sad but true, I know deep down that if I still love him right now, then I also trust him. You can’t truly love someone if you don’t trust them.

            Watching Zane walk towards me, at this moment, with the butterflies and excitement I feel just by seeing him, tell me it is love. That isn’t even with the feelings I get just from talking to him or being around him. I feel like me when I am with him, and he makes me feel like I can be a better me. That may sound so stupid but it’s my truth. He makes me feel like, maybe, I can be stronger and braver. I don’t want him to make me feel that way, because I want me to make myself feel that way. 

             Boy, do I wish I wasn’t so pathetic.