End Game

End Game - Chapter 20

Chapter 20

            The rest of the week went way too fast. I was hoping this past week would drag, because I was so freaking nervous about this weekend.

             Between classes and therapy, I had so much going on. First, my therapist was super proud of me for asking to sing with Zane. She told me I was showing huge improvement, and I should be proud of myself. I know that I should be, but I still always feel like I need to second-guess every decision I make.

            I guess that is normal for young adults who are learning to come to terms with getting older...blah...blah...blah. I know I shouldn’t feel that way, but when I started therapy I was hoping for more of an easy fix to myself. Turns out, they don’t do any of the work…you do. It is nice to have an outside opinion on my thoughts. I know I have Rayanne, but she is too close to me to be truly honest.

            It doesn’t even matter, because my therapist tells me the exact same stuff as Ray and Zane do. I always have to ask myself why am I paying for a therapist. I don’t want to sound bitter and ungrateful, because I am so not. I am just cranky and bitchy, because I am scared shitless about this weekend. Tonight I am getting a tattoo, and tomorrow I am singing with Zane.

            So, here I sit in my last class of the day, actually hoping that it doesn’t end. When I leave here, Ray and I are going to get our hair done, then dinner with Zane and Collin, and then the tattoo shop. I should be excited, because I have wanted to do something different with my hair. I may actually go blonde, or at least highlights, and I think I may get it cut. That is even making me nervous. I am basically a ball of nerves right now. I need to calm the fuck down.

            On top of everything else, Zane has been so weird with me all week. He is always waiting for me after my classes, and he comes by every time I am at work. I think every night this week we have eaten dinner together, and he runs with me every morning. I am not complaining, because I am so happy that he is there all the time. It’s just so hard to not hold his hand or kiss him. I have almost said I love you a half a dozen times this week to him. Why can’t I just tell him how I feel or just kiss him? The fear becomes so consuming that I can feel my body shake. I never try to do anything.

            If he does have feelings for me, then I don’t know how much longer he is going to wait for me. Why hasn’t he told me his reasoning for leaving me behind? I told him I trust him, and still nothing. My therapist says that since she can’t read his mind she doesn’t know what he is thinking. She did say if she had to guess, it sounds like he is waiting for a sign from me. She couldn’t tell me what sign. That didn’t help at all. Again, why do I pay her? I am actually really grateful to have her. I feel like no matter what, she is teaching me the tools I will need for the rest of my life. I will probably always struggle with insecurities and fears, but all I can do is try to push past them and live my life. I just wish I could get past worrying that Zane won’t want me if I get fat again, or that I will turn into my mother.

            I will not worry about that today. Today, I am going to do something that I have always wanted to do, and I will try my best to do it without fear.

            Class ends, much too early if you ask me. I don’t even know what was talked about in class today. I was so into my own head the whole time that I didn’t hear a thing.

            Zane is, of course, waiting for me after class, and I wish just once that he didn’t take my breath away. How is it possible to look that good all the time? I mean, here he stands with a five o’clock shadow, jeans that are way to big on him, and a sweatshirt, and he still looks drop dead gorgeous.