You said maybe you needed time to find yourself, but partying doesn't seem too much like finding yourself. Maybe you found yourself where you weren't held back by me, I'm sorry I didn't support you enough, and I'm sorry I couldn't make you happy, I'm sorry I made you feel so lost. I don't exactly know what happened to cause all of this, and you never talked about your feelings. I could always feel so much tension, and I'm sorry for saying fuck you when we got in that first argument because it's been different ever since. But I'm also not sorry for getting mad at you because you did lie to me, and I never once told you it was your fault because I didn't want you to be sad.
I don't know why you had to say I deserve better and I will find someone who will give me better, and for saying you're not happy with having to do what you did because honestly it was all a cop-out. If you actually wanted me you would've kept me, if you thought I deserved better you would've given it to me if you really wanted to, and if you were happy with me you wouldn't have left me. I promise you, it's better for you to not lie over it. It will help me move on if this really is the end of it all, I want to hate you, but I hate how I find it entirely impossible to do so. So if you read this, please tell me the truth so I can just move on.
I am sorry for lying to you, you don't even know I did but you will if you ever choose to read this. I never fell on the ground, or got scratched when you asked about those marks on my stomach and I thought maybe you would've known but instead you ignored it and accepted it and didn't even ask to help. You just let me suffer in my own pain, that was a hint of knowing that you didn't care as much as you claimed to about me. I told you I visited my old nutritionist concerning my weight-loss and you didn't seem to care one bit that I was getting worse. If anything I need time to focus on myself. A little bit ago I thought about telling you maybe we needed to just not talk for a little while to maybe stop the tension and irritation because you could feel it worse and worse everyday. We became repelling magnets that tried to get close and were brought further and further away every time. But I just wanted a couple days apart but I think you wanted more than that, something more permanent. And the thought of that is like a knife in my heart.
I don't think you need time to find yourself. I think you've found yourself without me. And you're okay with that, because lets face it, it is me not you. I was the problem, the burden, the reasoning of your lost feeling, the reason you couldn't do anything you wanted, and you didn't like it. One thing that I do have to say is that you did have time for me, you just choose not to spend it with me because you didn't want to. You had time to go to parties, hang out with friends, smoke, and do everything you wanted to do. And you not willing to give up one gym workout to see me sounds like an addiction and that's not my problem; it's yours, and if you choose to spend all your time in a gym because if you take off one workout you'll feel fat or etc, you must have some sort of muscle dysmorphia. Let's just face it, you had the time, you just didn't want me.
I don't know what's going to happen because we had no closure. I'm scared and I don't know what to do. I know I can be happy with out without you, I would prefer to be with you but you definitely don't prefer to be with me. I don't know why you forced yourself through this. I'm sorry you felt so lost. I'm sorry that all I ever wanted was for you to be happy and I couldn't accomplish that. I'm sure you will find someone worth skipping a gym workout for.
