Reticent (h.s fanfic, punk Harry)

chapter 7

OPHELIA/PRESENT

I wish I had the strength to look at him and say that. I wish he understood. But I was too ignorant to acknowledge that it was there and he was too nice to point it out. So we both say in the car with the soft engine humming as we drove on. He looked on the road and I kept my attention focused on the trees that passed by swinging this way and that from the wind. Sometimes I went the way everyone else pushed me to, but it felt as if I had no strength to stop them.

I wish I had put Cameron's name on that paper. Maybe then I would be a different person now. Maybe I would be in charge of my own life. I wouldn't have to look at my mother with so much insecurities. I wouldn't have to look at George like I owed him something. He made me think I did. He always spoke to me like he expected something and I felt that pull, cowering into his words.

Finally a nice view of houses appeared in front of us. The houses looked different than the ones I was used to. They looked small and only probably two stories whereas Darcy's house was three stories, not including the basement. I avoided looking over at the man beside me and concerned my gaze with the beautiful view of the yellow and red leaves that were already falling.

I wondered for a moment what kind of life Cameron had built without Darcy and I. Was he living the single life with nothing but frozen food in his fridge and takeouts. Or was he actually taking care of himself and making dinner every night and going on runs. I wonder if the living room was packed with beer bottles and snacks with the game playing. Or everything was in its place and soap opera was playing.

I took a deep breath and waited to see what he had built for himself.

Just in the middle a small road led to a dead end and a beautiful blue house just in the middle. It looked better than the house we had before. The small one that mom always complained about. She would be angry that he never bought anything better than a small house. And he would go on about not needing a big house. There were three bedrooms and three people living in it. What else did she want from it. No matter how much she whined about it he never did buy another house. Until they split and I left with her.

I wonder why he never old me to stop and or tell me to come with him just like she told me to come with her. He had just stood there looking almost through me to the wall with such a blank expression. And then he'd look at me like he wasn't happy at all with me. I felt so disappointed in myself. I wondered if I had done something to provoke them into splitting. And I still do.

Even though Darcy feeds me everyday about the fact that Cameron had been having an affair with another woman I always look at myself feeling as if I had caused the void. I didn't feel very happy with it. I didn't feel happy with myself and not my mother. I didn't like how I had turned out. And I hated how she took everything.

Cameron stopped the car beside a small sedan in front of the house and opened his door. I was nervous to step out and see the inside of his house. But I was just too eager. I unbuckled my seatbelt and got out as well. A few other people were out of their houses watering their plants and playing with their kids.

Dad walked to the back and took the bags and while I watched him take out everything I could vividly remember all the trips he took me to. Whether it was just to the park or even for a road trip I had so much fun. And at the end of it all while I ran into the house to tell my mother he would take out the bags with a sully smile on his face, watching me exaggerate about everything to Darcy while she only looked at her papers and nodded bored. Dad always used to frown at her and tell her to involve herself in what I had to say. Mom would just sit there and huff, telling him there was no reason for me to tell her if I had already lived it only a while ago.