Reticent (h.s fanfic, punk Harry)

Chapter 21

John B. Watson discovered classical conditioning for humans. In 1921, the man based his studies on an 11 month infant. The moral of the study was to see if phobia's were conditioned. He brought the child, Albert, a rat, and Albert didn't pay any mind to the animal. Watson then presented the rat with a loud pang. The noise frightened the child and he only heard it when he saw the rat. Albert formed a phobia to rats.

I felt bad for Albert, and I didn't understand why Watson chose such a small boy for this experiment, and I didn't understand how a mother would allow her child to feel such fear.

I felt my palms sweat when another firework flew up to the sky. It shot up with a loud screech and small flashes spurted from the big ball of light. They floated down slowly, almost making me feel happy until another flew up. My ears twitched as they flew up. The people around me were going crazy-they found this so beautiful, they took pictures, they laughed, they kissed. I stood far away with him beside me, wondering why I reacted this way. It wasn't the fireworks that scared me- it was what reminded me of it. I remembered a book, about a girl who was afraid of thunder-she never understood why, but when it came, she would huddle in a corner until it left. Only later on she understood it was because it stormed that night her mother died.

I wish I was ignorant about my fear of fireworks. I didn't want to remember that night at all. I didn't want to remember her face, or the confusion she felt. I didn't want to remember at all.

Louis stood solemn beside me, watching the light fly up. He watched with hopeful eyes. His eyes glowed just as the glow did then it slowly died as he watched it float to the ground. I wanted to ask him if he wanted to go closer where the crowd continued to cheer, but I was afraid- I was afraid of the light. Maybe if he wanted-he would go without me, or maybe he was being modest. But fuck modesty, he should go if he wanted to. If he wanted to see the lights, he could go- what was stopping him? "You can go if you want." I finally spoke over whatever stopping me. But Louis would go if he wanted-without me asking. I came all this way for him, he wouldn't hold back.

He looked over, his blue eyes illuminated with the light. A small smile took over his lips, his eyes crinkled. "It's beautiful, but I want to see all of it. If I'm too close then I won't be able to see all of it."

"Right. It's...pretty." I didn't see what was so beautiful about fireworks. They were too loud like a screeching bird stuck on a line, and they were too big for the sky. The stars were beautiful-why did people need different colored lights floating up there?

"Yeah sure you think it's pretty. Fireworks are like children, as I see it really."

"How so?"

"It starts out so big, just this huge ball of one color then it becomes small, everything changes-the color changes and they all just separate as they go down. At some point in life, children see difference in each other, they see bad and they start to separate from one another, and they all just die down to small specks until all the light in them disappears. But that big ball of light is what catches everyone's attention. That's the stage everyone remembers and want to relive. You just feel so alive at that moment."

"How would we know about that stage?" I kicked a rock, biting down at my lip as another screeching noise flew to the sky.

"We don't, we just try to connect to anything that would give us a perspective of childhood. But how does anyone know what childhood is?"

"I suppose." The fireworks stopped, and everyone started to head to their cars. The carnival was over, the fun was over. "So, where did Ellie go?"

"She went to get me cigs. I'm running out again." He pat his pockets and settled on the grass.

"You should really stop asking Eleanor to steal cigs for you."