Reticent (h.s fanfic, punk Harry)

Chapter 33

You are beautiful, who ever reading this. Have an amazing reading hour. I love you all. I hope you guys like this chapter like the others.
That's a picture of Blondie. He loves attention and long walks during the morning. He also loves cuddling with a certain curly haired British boy.... We all do Blondie, we all do.

Let me in where your thoughts have been. Let me occupy your mind. As you do mine.

Harry

She would be better before she gets worse. Correction would be her best before she dies. And Anne had never looked better. And I never felt more sorrowful.

I suppose the chemo wasn't doing much anymore, and it was time to stop, time to halt all the chemicals surging through her body killing every cell in it's way, good or bad. So we decided to not take her to the next one. Well, Anne said she felt better now; she needed no chemo. She knew her body, she claimed. I think she knew herself that it was time. I felt lost. Did I stay and watch this unravel, her death? Or did I get everything ready?

I was in a mire. Preparation made it become too real, and waiting would become despondent, so I sat on the porch, my jeans getting numb from the cold seeping in from the cracks. It had rained nonstop these past few days, and now we waited for the snow to come and kill every plant that once lived here. From the weeds to the roses that grew around the fence would all be shellacked by the cold soon.

I suppose the weather somehow knew, and it only let the warmth stay so long for her. What a hoax, it was here almost right in time. Ready to come and leave in it's wake only cadavers laying in the yard.

Just like the rain drops, I laid on the floor in a pool of my own inconsolable grief. My eyes drifted to the cloudy sky, wafting along leaving no space for the sun to come out.

I'm crazy. I'm insane. I'm everything without her, and yet I'm nothing without her. So where did that leave me? Alive, and her dead. I didn't let myself fall into the familiar pit of a heartbroken panic, and continued to look up at the sky, waiting for the sun, but knowing that nothing would show up. No miracle would turn towards this way. No volatile.

These last moments I'd have grit for her, I'd conquer this feeling so she wouldn't remember me like this. I'll smile, I'll laugh, then after I'll cry, I'd go in a frenzy of panic and distortion.

"Hey there, pumpkin." Anne opened the back door. Her head naked of any scarf. she had a summer dress that I'd bought her over two years ago. Her eyes looked brighter and I should be happy to see them so clearly now, but it felt as if she were burning me with them. Her bare feet padded over the wood to where I had sat up now.

I reached out to help her sit. A smile played on her lips as she settled beside me. I remember that smile and a sense of nostalgia hit. It reminded me of the smile she gave me when I'd landed my first job, even if it was only babysitting. It was the same smile she'd given me the day they checked and made sure my body was void of any cancerous cells.

It made me realize she was happy. Anne was happy to know what was coming. Of course; her body would be void of any pain with no recession-proof. She would never have any pain, she was happy. And that made me feel like I had no obligations. It didn't feel right, but I never wanted that smile to fade.

She sat silent beside me, and beckoned me to lie down. I put my head on her lap, feeling so secure once I felt her hand run through my hair. "I always loved your hair," she spoke as she continued to run her small fingers through it.

"Mmhm," I replied, although it wasn't much of reply.

"I've always wanted to braid it."

A chuckle left my lips. I sat up with my back facing her. "Knock yourself out."