After seeing Moya for 2 months, it had become easy to vent all my recent frustrations to her. We sat in her small office in the corner of a much larger building and talked about my past, always stopping short of the accident. That day I was feeling particularly confident, so I ventured to tell her everything. I briefly talked about how Scott gently held Kirstie's head in a feeble attempt to protect her as their bus violently turned sending them both flying, something I'd only seen the aftermath of. I told her about Esther's screaming as she tried to get to her baby brother, who she knew was in the other bus. She seemed sad just hearing the story. I told her about me sulking around my parents house for almost a year and showed her the short youtube video I'd recorded. I listened to myself cry and cringed at how pathetic I looked.
"You haven't sung since the accident right?" Moya said calmly after looking away from the finished youtube video.
"Yeah. I probably sound horrible," I laughed.
"I'm sure you don't. Have you tried?" She smiled slightly as she spoke as if I was going to start singing right then, but I had no plan to.
"I have. A few months after the accident I tried to sing one of the songs we'd been working on for the album to make myself feel better, but I would end up waiting for the other's to join in and when they didn't I would..." I sighed and looked up at Moya's grey eyes. "It was bad."
She furrowed her eyebrows sadly and took a deep breath. "Maybe it's different now? You've come a long way since you made that youtube video." She reassured."
"Have I?" I picked at one of my fingernails and glanced at Moya for confirmation. "I guess I haven't tried in a while..." I took a deep breath and tried to start singing, but knowing Moya was listening when I could sound terrible made me incredibly nervous. I hadn't been that nervous since I was a kid. I closed my eyes and covered my mouth. "Maybe when I'm at home," I whispered.
"That's fine. Whatever makes you comfortable. Last week we talked about coming up with a goal. Did you think of one?" Moya handed me a small white envelope with a folded piece of paper in it and a pen.
"I think I did." I opened the paper and scribbled a few words before putting it back in and handing it to Moya. She sealed it closed, wrote my name on the front and put it in a large box she had full of similar envelopes.
We ended our session and I went home feeling lighter. Talking through all my feelings really did seem to be helping. I rushed home and yelled to see if anyone else was home. My voice echoed off the walls with no responce, so I ran to my bathroom and closed the door. I took a deep breath and started singing softly.
"Woke up whistling like the wind blows
Looking out my window just to see the shine"
I listened as my voice echoed off the walls back to me and smiled. I wasn't as used to singing as I was before, but just finally singing made me smile. The words to the song Scott and I had wrote together uplifted me in ways I didn't at all expect.
Baby, you might call it crazy, how I'm acting lately
Skipping through the sky..."
I pressed my hands to my chest and repeated the short verse with a smile on my face as tears slowly trailed their way down my cheeks. I stopped and listened to the very faint echo in my bathroom. The air settled and silence surrounded me as I thought about the songs we'd recorded that our fans would never get to hear fully complete.
"We could be... kings of the world"
I hesitated as I began singing.
"On top of the nation
It's a celebration of the moments to come"
I got louder and angrier as I thought about how much Water meant to Kirstin and how hard Scott had worked on Sing. I thought about the songs we'd wrote that would never be released and started shouting the unheard lyrics.
"The city's on fire
We're holding up lighters
Raising them higher and we've only..."
I gasped and covered my mouth, heavy sobs making it impossible to keep singing. Without them behind me, no matter how beautiful my voice was, it always felt hopeless. It felt hollow. I sat down on my toilet lid and cried.
There were so many things they didn't get to do. I was supposed to take Avi shopping. Kevin had just started dating this girl and it was getting serious. Kirstin was becoming so confident in who she was and in her talents. Scott was exploring his song writing and discovering how diverse his writing could be. To have everything they were working towards be cut so short made me sick.
I stood up quickly and rushed out my room. I ran to Alex's room and knocked on the door. Nothing. I ran to Esther's room and knocked in a similar manner, but there was nothing. I noticed Wyatt following very close behind me and picked him up. I held him against my chest as he purred and cried softly into his thin fur until I'd apparently fallen asleep. I woke up with a blanket over me and a sleeping kitty curled up in my arms.
