Pale//Frerard Au//

Tides Will Bring Me Back To You

Sleep - Citizen
5 Years
1,825 Days
2628000 minutes
1576800000 Seconds
Without him, 1,825 of feeling lonely, 26228000 minutes of feeling unloved, 1576800000 seconds of feeling numb, and honestly I never knew a human being could ever feel so numb.

You know that feeling were you just feel so weak that it literally hurts to actually feel? That's how I used to feel, but now I'm just numb, so numb that I don't need alcohol, drugs, or lousy sex to not feel because I simply don't feel anymore. The worst part is, is that I'm content with that. No amount of self destruction satisfies me like it used to. You'd think that'd I'd be happy in my relationship, but I'm really not. I'm just with Bert for the drugs and alcohol. He's so easy all you have to do is flirt for what you want. He's a sucker for it everytime. Most people would think that this makes me a bad person, but if you were me you would do the same. So don't preach about being perfect when you'd do the same thing.

Now your probably wondering why I feel numb? I don't dare speak his name, but its my fault he's dead. What happened that Friday night? We both got pissed drunk after one of my concerts, I did a bunch of weed along with the alcohol, which didn't help the situation. I should've not let him get in the driver seat, start the car and drive, drunk. I should've kept my hands to myself. I shouldn't have moved my hand higher and higher up his, jean clad thighs. I distracted him and he drove of into a ditch because of me. Its all my fault. I cut all ties to any connections with him after the funeral. I don't speak to his brother, Mikey. Honestly every fucking day I regret not talking to him. I don't even know how to speak to him after five long years.

And here I am now, at the same exact spot where the accident happened, with a whisky bottle in my hand. This is the day I actually feel, so of course I'm numbing my feelings like the damned fuck up I am. I don't even know What's wrong with me anymore. In fact I'm better off dead, maybe I could be in his arms, instead of kissing some greasy ass crackhead.

Flashbacks haunt me every single fucking day. I see him in just dreams, if I even dream. I have nightmares of him the most, him blaming me for everything I've done. I mean its karma biting me the ass. I belive that if you put negativity out in the world, you get it three times worse, back. I deserve it though, I wish something could kill me already so I don't have to do it myself. Its my punishment you see, living in a colourless, dull, numb, lousy life were everything from your past comes back to haunt you. I have to live with what I did, but I could never blame him. I am in love with him, so much that my love grows for him everyday. When I look at the stars I see him, all I see is just him. It'd could be the night of the accident, or the night we went to that field and danced together in the moonlight..

-flashback-

"Hands down, this is the best day ever!" He giggled, his nose scrunching up. Out of nowhere he picked me and spun me around, as I blushed darkly and squealed in surprise.

"I swear to god if you drop me, I will murder you, Way"

"Whatever you say Iero, I know you love me" He sassed ever so confidently, his signature smirk playing on his face. I blushed so darkly, so dark I didn't even know it was humanly possible.

"And I love you too" He murmured, suddenly putting me down gently. It felt like fireworks were exploding inside of me, how did he know? How could he love a fuck up like me?

I was pulled out my thoughts when he pushed the hair out of my eyes, cupping my face afterwords. I looked up at him wide eyed as he kept leaning forward. Suddenly we fell to the ground as he kissed me slowly, me of course kissing back, forgetting the fact that we were falling. Soon we landed with a thud, surprisingly him or I didn't break the kiss. We just kept kissing, with more passion in fact, with him on top of me.