Breathe Me

Chapter 18

Chapter Eighteen

THE TELEVISION DRONED on and on, but I wasn't really watching it. The hypnotic effect it had allowed me to disappear from the world as I lay under my favorite patchwork quilt with the AC turned to icy cold and an array of fast food wrappers and empty cups strewn across my coffee table. I hadn't left my apartment or spoken to a soul in a week and was pretty sure I was ripe as a forgotten peach. I was going to need a hot, scouring shower to remove the filth. Thank God for Getty, a high schooler who lived across from me. I'd bribed him to bring me junk food all week with pay. It kept me fed, though most of it I ended up dumping into the trash.

Snapping awake from dozing off yet again, I groaned and shifted from my warm spot on the couch, a permanent indention now worn into the material. My skin felt sticky, even with the freezing AC going, and I couldn't stand it anymore. My hair was stringy, and my scalp was starting to itch. Barely dragging my feet to my room, I grabbed a fresh outfit to wear to bed and drew a scorching hot bath, along with a gallon of bath bubbles. I was going to have to soak to get the film off me, and maybe I'd drown in the water while I was at it. Yep, the world felt so bleak, I couldn't have cared less if it was burning outside my window at that instant.

The water made the gooseflesh ripple across my skin from how hot it was. I let myself sink into the Roman tub until my head bobbed just underneath the surface. I held my breath and relished the silence. The scene back at Joss's party repeated itself over and over in my head. So did the day Sam had ridden with me on the Ferris wheel after supposedly showing up out of nowhere. I thought back to Leah letting it slip that they'd seen him prior to the fair and that he'd spoken with Joss extensively about me. More flashes hit me, and I saw Sam's sexy body hovering over mine, his musky scent mixed with sex and sweat as we made love, and, to top it all, me furiously tossing my hospital badge onto Marianne's desk before declaring that she could take the job and shove it so far up her ass, she might find the devil lurking inside there before marching out all haughty and steaming.

My life was a messed up, choose-your-own-adventure which was chopped into so many screwed up scenes, I had no idea which page to turn to. I hated the situation, hated Sam, Joss and definitely despised Marianne and Thomas at work for f**king up my perfect life. Okay, so it wasn't so perfect, and quite frankly, it'd been a long string of boring I had tried to pass off as my life. I wasn't actually angry I'd left my job, I was angry I had let this circus go on for so long. It was all my fault, really. I should've known better.

Popping up from under the water, I sucked in a breath, feeling lightheaded from the excessive heat. I added some cooler water until it felt a bit more tolerable and started the task of scrubbing myself.

After my bath, I slumped onto the bed, hoping to pass out right away. I wasn't ready to emerge into the real world and Lord only knew what it would take to forgive Joss and Sam. Would I forgive them? I groaned and stuffed a pillow over my head, mad that I wanted to forgive them already. Not being able to hold onto my grudge—something I'd never had a problem doing in the past—was irritating. But that's was good, right? Maybe for them. They were lucky I loved them, or maybe I was the lucky one.

I blinked away tears until I finally fell asleep, delighting in a sudden, calming revelation which took the tightness from my chest away with one, swift whoosh. I knew full well that they weren't the only lucky ones—they weren't the ones who needed me like a breath of air. No, it was me. Not Sam, who stellarly broke my heart. Not Joss, who watched me like a worried mother. It was me... I was the one being saved.

The doorbell rang before I could answer it, I heard a key turning in the lock and Joss walked right in. She was the only person who had a key to my apartment, so why was I even surprised to see her? I was furious she had the gall to even come to my place. I knew she would try to talk me out of my slump.

She waltzed into my room, and I watched the distress pass through Joss's features. It screwed up her pretty face and made me want to just hold her, pull her close and wipe all those worries away. She was like a sister to me, even if we were cousins. But she'd crossed a line, and I didn't know how to forgive her for it yet. Eventually I would, but what would I do next?

Joss's eyes narrowed, watching me as they cast a more determined, dark look across her face. I'd never seen her like that, ever.

"I've been calling you."

"I don't want to talk."

"And Sam... he's been calling you too."

"Don't even talk to me about Sam."

Joss frowned, her face flushed from the heat outside. I was pretty sure she was fuming at me, too, and restraining herself from choking the living shit out of me.

"Look at me, Cathy. Really look at me, please." She leaned forward, making me cross my arms and stare at the ceiling. She sighed loudly before slumping down on the other side of my bed. The silence between us was thick, neither of us wanting to relent. "You can't hold on to demons like this. Let it go. The past doesn't define me. It's just a place I've been. You let it haunt you, like some restless ghost that screams in your head at every waking moment. Why do you let it paralyze you until you can't remember what you really want? Don't do this, Cathy. Don't let it win."

I shifted and flicked my piercing stare from one of her deep brown eyes to the other, hoping to find the answers within them. "How?" I whispered as my voice choked, deep in my chest. "How do I let go?"

She appeared relieved by my answer. "It's not something anyone knows how to do. You just breathe. You get up each day, smile, take in the precious things all around you. Enjoy them with every fiber of your being." Her words prickled my skin as she spoke. "Most of all, you have to love passionately and let yourself be loved just as much. You know I never meant to ever hurt you. I did it all out of love for you, and by not telling you what I was up to, I made you mad. I get it. But... get over it. He loves you, I love you. Don't push us away. I'm sorry."

Listening to her drone on and on about life, sorrow, tragedy, about the way things sometimes go and how they aren't under our control and yada, yada, I laughed out loud.

Joss screeched to a halt, her eyes wild, wide and confused. My giggling continued, bringing my fair complexion to a cherry red tone for sure. In the end, it wasn't a game, but my own unwillingness to see what was so extremely obvious in front of me this entire time.

"Cathy?"

My laughter choked out into a fit of coughing before I managed to clear my throat and peek at her. She inched closer to me, asking me if I was okay and if I needed anything. Boy, would she regret asking me such a thing. For now, there was only one thing I wanted.

"Yes, I do need something,"

"What is it?"

"Don't get me wrong, none of this is funny. I just realized that despite your conniving intentions and your obvious ignorance of my feelings about all this, I don't care."

"You don't care?" Her eyebrows twitched, not understanding me. "You don't care about what exactly?"

"About all this. It's stupid to stay mad at you. I care about you, about Sam, Cam and Leah. So in all that, no matter how crazy it was of you and him to think that I could be fooled so easily without consequences, it doesn't matter anymore. I love him. I know that now. I forgive you both. I just had to stew over it. You're the one who always says to never forget the people around you who cherish you the most, because in one second, they could be gone."

The look she gave me was all I could ever ask for. It was brilliant, like a sun bursting through the morning dullness, bringing life and light to every living thing which needed it. She was always my sunshine, even when her eyes were shiny with the wetness of unshed tears. I reached out, yanking her into my embrace and squeezing her.

"You know, that wasn't very cool, though."

She nodded, laughing and sobbing all at the same time.

"Love you, Joss."

"I love you back, Cathy."