The Ghost of You is Close to Me \\ Joshler

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Tyler looked up at the stars, the cold air encompassing him and chilling him to the bone. The cold though, was the least of his worries.

He pulled two bottles out of his pocket, the pills inside them rattling together, a noise that made his heart race. His hand shook as he unscrewed the top off of one, which fell to the side and rolled down the roof, landing somewhere beyond his attention. He tipped out a handful of pills, the small white mountain staring up at him, a menacing enemy that sought out nothing now but to end the steady beating of Tyler's heart. He stared back at them, wondering if this was what he needed, if the end of him as a person was what was best.

His thoughts dragged him to school, to the people there who have brought him down. Relentless bullying for as long as he could remember. They targeted his already established self-hate, let him know that his appearance, his existence, was just a mistake. By now he felt it down to his very core, felt it deep enough that it pushed him here, to the pills that lay in his palm, waiting for his final decision.

Tyler closed his fist around them for a moment, his eyes squeezing shut as he brought them to his mouth. He'd felt this pull towards the pills for so long that it seemed a little dream-like. To have it here, the end in sight, almost touchable. He could do it, he would do it. He smiled for a moment, realizing that for the last time, this was it.

Tyler paused when he heard a shout downstairs, his mother yelling about something to his father. It sounded almost hysterical but happy at the same time. Tyler felt his breath leave his chest and his heart sink because he knew that he had to make sure she was okay. He set the half empty pill bottle down and stood up, slinking back in through his window and across his room.

"Mom?" He called through the house, finding her in the living room wrapped around his father. The first thing Tyler noticed was the few tear tracks that marked his father's cheeks.

"Dad?" Tyler asked again, his voice shaking. Tyler's hand squeezed around the pills, his anxiety making it hard to get any air into his lungs.

"She's pregnant," his dad whispered, his voice holding many emotions at once.

Tyler was taken aback, the words taking a moment to sink in before he realized that there would be another person in this house, another life waiting for experiences, for love, for support, it made the pills in his hand burn. Tyler smiled at his parents, wondering how sincere it looked.

"That'll be nice," he whispered, thinking of the things he could teach them, the conversations they could have. Tyler smiled one more time, this smile feeling brighter, feeling a little less hopeless before he turned to leave the room.

He found himself in front of the kitchen sink, the closest thing that he could dispose of things with. He opened his hand over the drain and listened to the clatter as they scattered around the metal surface. Tyler turned the tap on and watched as the water swirled around the white pills, taking them down the drain and gone forever.

Later that night Tyler snuck down with the rest of the pills and did the same thing. When he was done he gave the sink a small smile and felt the tightness around his heart loosen for just a moment. This kid was something to look forward to, a bright light in the sea of black that he'd been pushed into. It was a rope to get him out of the hole he'd helped dig and Tyler wanted nothing but to grab ahold and be taken away, so he did.

~~~

It had been nine months and Tyler was rushed to the hospital in his dad's car. His mother groaned in the front seat and complained about the pain but the only thing Tyler could process was that she would be here in just a couple of hours. The one thing that had kept him motivated was almost here. Tyler felt like he was choking on his happiness.