The Ghost of You is Close to Me \\ Joshler

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"I did mean it, what I said the other day," Tyler said quietly, pressing into Josh further. The grass below them was damp and cold. Josh was the only warmth Tyler could find, although, truthfull, neither of them were complaining.

"That's good, I never doubted it," Josh answered, looking at the boy who laid next to him. He watched as Tyler avoided eye contact, turning his head down as his eyes grew sad.

"Tyler, stop," Josh had to fix his mistake, "I know I was a dick to you the other night and I'm sorry. You're not just a fuckbuddy to me. I care about you a lot," Josh told him with more than a hint of desperation. Tyler nodded once, his body visibly relaxing.

Things between them weren't as good as they had been. Josh knew the only one at fault was him, and he couldn't stop blaming himself. He knew that it was on him to fix this but he didn't know how.

"I spend every night freezing my ass off for you," he said playfully, smiling. Tyler nodded, a small smile on his face, his eyes briefly looking up at Josh.

"You know, I wasn't sure that I wanted to give you tools that could destroy my heart but it seems like you've found those on your own. I'm not sure if that's good or bad yet," Tyler confessed, playing with his fingers nervously.

Josh was silent with the new information, letting the words sink in about the power he had over Tyler, but not only that, the trust Tyler had in him despite everything.

"Can I tell you something?" Josh asked quietly, biting his lip because he was nervous. He knew that it had to be said, sooner rather than later, but he knew that it would still hurt Tyler.

Tyler looked up, eyebrows scrunching together.

"Of course you can," Tyler said, sitting up and crossing his lips, watching as Josh mimicked him, resting his hands in his lap and looking down, not once making eye contact with Tyler.

"Remember when you told me about why you protected your sister's grave?" Josh asked quietly, choking over the last two words as his fear grew.

"Yeah," Tyler said, crossing his arms over his chest. This topic wasn't a happy one, it never was and Tyler knew that this wouldn't end well, for him or for Josh.

"Well, I was there."

Josh didn't elaborate. He stopped speaking, leaving Tyler reeling. Tyler tried to put the pieces together, but he was lacking most of the puzzle, and it was more confusing and frustrating than knowing everything.

"What?" Tyler asked, finding it hard to keep the residual anger out of his tone. Josh seemed to shrink at Tyler's voice, maybe from fear of upsetting Tyler again or from guilt.

"Tyler, I didn't, that wasn't me, okay?" Josh said quickly, looking up to Tyler to find him stone faced and looking over at his sister's grave. It wasn't hard to see that he'd messed up again.

"Look, I was there, yeah, but I didn't do anything. I stood in the back and tried to get them to leave but they thought it was funny. I didn't do anything to your sister or anyone else," Josh explained, frantic to get Tyler to look at him and see the sincerity in his words.

"Fuck, Tyler, I didn't," Josh stopped when Tyler finally looked at him. He was emotionless. His eyes were frighteningly empty and it left Josh feeling cold and alone.

There was a silence that lasted far too long for Josh's taste, Tyler never breaking eye contact. He watched Josh, waited for him to say something again but decided that Josh wasn't going to open his mouth.

Tyler stood, brushing himself off for a moment before he looked down and met Josh's eyes, met the sadness that was there. He looked at the pain that was there and then he looked into himself, at the empty numbness that was there. It hit him suddenly, that he couldn't anymore, that this wasn't working, that Josh was too much and too little all at once.