diary ↬ lrh

january :: 9th

joanna (suicidal and triggering please do not read if you are triggered easily)

i can't believe i had sex with luke. it kind of makes me sad because i really did not want to, i wanted to wait. i really regret it actually, i feel dirty. i feel sad. it hurt really bad, and i didn't really like it that much but i just acted like i did. i mean it felt nice, but i just really wanted to wait. i feel like he is just using me and it's making me sad. i mean i love him, but something in me is making me overthink and second guess myself. what if he really doesn't love me? what if he's just using me? i've never actually been in a real relationship, he's my first boyfriend ever. he took my virginity, and everything. i just feel like this is going way too fast.

i sat down on my bed, as luke was out doing something with the band. i sighed, playing with the hem of my jacket. i took out my new diary, opening it up to a new page. i found a pen, starting to write out my feelings.

why do i always feel like a failure? i feel like a second choice, the last person to be chosen. the person that everybody ignores, the person that talks loud but feels like they aren't heard. the person who feels invisible 24/7, a waste of space. i do not feel alive, i feel dead. just another person in this world we don't care about or need. i feel like i am being used, being humiliated, feeling embarassed. i feel like a slut. i am not powerful, i am weak. i am a worthless, most useless excuse for a person. i wish i was never born sometimes. i have nobody here for me, i feel like shit. total and complete shit. i feel like i am not loved, i have no friends, no family anymore. nobody that cares about my existence.

i sat there, writing all my feelings out as i started to cry. i felt like a failure. i sat there, tears soaking my pale face. i just wish i wasn't alive. i sobbed, makeup all over my pillows. but i didn't care. i got up, throwing my diary across the room. i sat in the corner, rocking back and forth as i hit myself, over and over again. i banged my head against the wall, starting to scream. i started to talk to myself, screaming out words that were in my head. i punched myself repeatedly, walking into the bathroom.

i looked through the medicine cabinet, my vision going hazy and blurry as i grabbed a bottle of something, i couldn't read. i poured pills some into my hand, grabbing my journal as i started to write shakily. "goodbye." i wrote, taking the pills as i sat there slowly, collapsing to the floor.

luke
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i got home, walking in as it was completely silent which was strange. i walked into joanna's bedroom, as it was completely trashed. vases broken, clothes everywhere. i opened the bathroom door as i fell next to her, panicking as i started to cry. "what the fuck.." i said, picking her up as i rushed her to the hospital, my vision going blurry from crying. i picked her up as runned into the hospital.

"somebody help please–" i yelled, sobbing as i held her cold body, her face white as a ghost. i held her hands as teardrops fell down onto her skin, everything feeling unreal at the moment. a doctor came running over, quickly putting her on a bed as they rushed her into a room, following behind. they hooked her up to an IV, as they started asking me questions. "i don't know what happened, i just came home and she was laying on the bathroom floor i–" i said, putting my hands over my face.

"overdose." the doctor said, my heart dropped. i was rushed into a waiting room, which pissed me off because i wanted to make sure she'd be okay. i wiped tears off of my face, as i watched a nurse walk over to me. "you won't be seeing her for a while, she will be gone for some time." she told me, as i started to get more upset, covering my face with my hands.

they told me she will have to be in the hospital for a couple months, which upset me. i walked with the nurse into the room as i kissed joanna's forehead, whispering "i love you" in her ear. i sighed, biting my lip as i sat in the waiting room until i eventually left, going home. i was going to bring her stuff to the hospital later. i thought in my head, why did you do this? why would she? what the fuck was she thinking?