Thoughts of a Girl

Terror

"No don't go! Don't sign out now!" I said practically screaming into the headset. My boyfriend and I were playing a game online together. He was pissed at me. We had been separated for a while, and just recently got back together. It's what happened while we were apart that pissed him off. He'd known almost immediately after we got back together; I can't stand to keep things from him. He'd been upset and wanted to kill the guy.

Over the summer when my boyfriend and I were broken up I was seeing a guy. I don't even know what was so good about him. it was an old crush, and I was desperate. I was lonely and depressed and missed my ex. I missed cuddling. I missed talking. I missed the comforting touch he gave to me. I had tried to find it again; but it was fruitless search. I had been seeing this new guy for a little less than a week and I couldn't find any emotion for him; any longing to be with him, any excitement at his presence. Sure I laughed when he was there, but that was because he was funny. I could not find any romantic love for him. Finally I came to the conclusion that he was just a fling, and an unsuccessful one at that. The whole thing lasted about a week, if that.

And it's not like he didn't have a fling of his own. He had dated another girl almost immediately after we broke up. At least I waited almost three months. Trust me, it may not sound like a lot but it is; especially when you're suffering, longing for a person. His fling lasted a couple weeks, but eventually broke off. His girl said it felt like he didn't really want her, like he rushed in looking for something that wasn't there. Something that really pissed me off was he gave her, his fling, the respect of not dating immediately after they broke up, but he did not give me, his girlfriend of two years, that respect.

So it's not like I'm the only guilty one, yet he gets so upset, so possessive. He wants to kill the guy. Ever since I told him what happened he'd been obsessed with it, he would ask questions. I didn't want to answer these questions, knowing it would just hurt him more and feed his obsession, driving him closer to the edge. He would try to ignore it, and act as though it didn't bother him, but ultimately he kept bringing it up. At least once a day we got into an argument over it. I don't really, fully understand why he is so obsessed with it; I mean I got over his fling. I know that there's nothing I can do about it, if I get mad it won't change anything so I just don't bother getting upset. It wont fix anything. I've tried to explain to him this way of thinking but he just can't grasp the concept.

"Whatever. I'm going. it's not like you'd care." I heard him mumble into the headset, then a click and silence. God damnit, no! It's my fucking fault. I always fuck everything up! I thought to myself as I dove for my phone. At lightening speed I typed out I'm Sorry. Please talk to me. I know I fucked up. Please don't go. I sent it out and waited, agonizing over what he might say, over what kind of mess I'd have to get us out of. Suddenly my phone buzzed. I jumped and opened the message as fast as my device would allow. Whatever. You don't care. I'm just going to kill myself. That'll make you happy, won't it? Oh my god. I was frozen. I didn't know what to do, what to say. My mind was working a mile a minute. Quickly I hit reply and typed out: No. Don't do it. Trust me it's not worth it. Please don't do anything. Please. I love you. Please Don't go. please. I hit send and fought back tears. I was not going to cry. I was going to be strong. Suddenly my phone buzzed again. I opened the message and read the single word on my screen.

Bye

Oh god no......no.......no! Please dear god don't let him do anything please! I gripped the phone tighter, ripped off my headset, and ran upstairs to my room. I hadn't even made it into the doorway before I dialed his number. I sat on my bed and bit my nails as it started to ring. It rang, and rang, and rang. When it finally did stop there was silence. Should I hang up and try again? I thought staring into space. No, he answered. I began speaking, not fully knowing whether or not he was listening. "Please talk to me, please. Please tell me you didn't do anything. Please." I could feel my eyes tearing up. My vision was blurring with the water that soon began streaming down my face. I cried silently, listening to the phone. Finally I could hear a faint mumble. "Wh-what?" I choked out.

"I'm sorry." was all that he said.