Thoughts of a Girl

New Developments

She thought that she had been doing good. She thought that her life was finally straightening out and heading into the better direction. Between her depression, anxiety, horrible periods and crazy ass family she had a lot to work on. She'd finally gotten back into the routine of taking her meds, after months of not taking them. She was finally beginning to feel better, she was just starting to get happy again. Then this happened. She didn't even know if it was a bad thing or just normal, but it didn't feel normal to her.

She was terrified. she didn't know if this was life threatening or if it was completely normal. She could feel her resolution to be happy crumbling. The medicine she had taken that morning, for months, wasn't working today. She just wanted to go home, curl up in a ball, cry and sleep. On top of this horrendous discovery she had her period, which means debilitating cramps. Out of all the people she is surrounded by she only wanted to see one; but there is no time to see him. She has so much work to do for classes, the only time they can see each other is at lunch, and choir. Although they can only talk at lunch, and they must be careful what they say, least someone overhears them.

Now she sat alone in the library. It was her study hall period, and her shoulder was hurting beyond belief. She could feel the dull fire spreading from the blade of the shoulder down her arm and back. She was fighting to keep a semi-happy face. She didn't want anyone to worry about her. She tried convincing herself she was going to be ok, that it was nothing important, just a normal growth. But something in her told her otherwise. She re-adjusted herself, stretching her neck, attempting to douse the fire in her shoulder. As always it did nothing to help.

She took out her computer and plugged in her head phones. She went to youtube and looked up a song. Carry on my wayward son lullaby, stormy edit. This song calmed her nerves and took her mind off of what happened that morning. Suddenly she felt an intense tightening in her stomach, a major cramp had arrived. She fought the urge to bend over in the chair and hug herself.

She normally didn't have that bad of cramps but the past couple of periods have been unbearable. She longed for her comfortable couch, her soft Doctor Who blanket, and her warm cuddle-loving puppy. She wished she could go home and be alone. She just wanted to sleep, cry and see her love. She wanted to see him so bad, but she had another period to go though before lunch, and even then they couldn't cuddle like she wanted.

Suddenly there was a ear piercing shrill of a bell. She jumped in her seat, then glanced at the time. Seeing that it was indeed time to go she quickly packed up her things and walked out through the library doors into the cramped hallway. She was on the third floor, the middle school section. There were so many rude little people, shoving and pushing, going to their lockers and blocking the path. She hugged her books close to her chest and turned slightly sideways, sticking her elbow out. This was the only way she could manage to keep people from ramming right into her, and to quickly get out of the hall into the stairwell.

She had to stop several times and wait for a little person to move away from their locker, or to stop talking to their friends. She hated waiting. She always speed walked to classes, and was there early. When she was finally freed from the chaos she ran down the stairs and to her locker. She waited a moment to let the guy, who had a locker next to her, get his stuff and leave. The lockers were so close together two people who had lockers right next to each other, could not get into their lockers at the same time. When he moved she grabbed her stuff for the next class, then stood for a moment. She sighed and thought about what the rest of the day was gonna be like. How much work she had left to do. She shook her head in an attempt to knock out the fatigue, and closed her locker. She turned and started walking to her next class.

She stuck her chin up, and looked straight ahead with a new resolution. She wasn't going to have a bad day. She wasn't going to give up on trying to be happy. She was not going to give into self pity and self loathing again. She was going to survive, more than survive. She was going to live.