Thoughts of a Girl

Confusion

She hated this. She hated all of this. She had saw him earlier that day. Her ex. They had dated for a year and a half. They'd been apart for five months. It still hurt to think about him. She missed him so damn much. She'd gotten to the point that she had tried to date another guy but it wasn't enough. It lasted for about a week. Sure she got the physical relationship she enjoyed but not the emotional relationship she craved and needed. 

Today she had to go to school for a meeting, being that he was also a student he was there too. Their grandmothers saw each other and immediately started talking, dragging the two ex's with them. He refused to acknowledge her, refused to look at her. She was standing close enough she could smell him. She couldn't stop the flashbacks that the accursed smell caused.

They were at his house alone cuddling on the couch. Then they were hugging. Then they were kissing. The many memories assaulted her, tearing at her heart. She fought the urge to cry and hug him. I must maintain my composure. She thought rigidly to herself. If he shows no feelings, then I will not either.

It struck her, as it had several times before, how childish this whole situation is. She missed him more than she knew how to express. The only obstacle was him. She felt that he still loved her, but his actions made her think differently. When they were not face to face he would talk to her freely, and tell her that he did miss her; yet when in person he ignores her. She felt so invisible. She caught herself drifting away from the conversation and lowering her guard. She quickly rebuilt her wall and looked at him.

He stood a short distance away from the group, staring at the ground. He looked so sad, so cold. He looked like he truly hated something. Whether it was she, himself, or someone else she did not know. It seemed that he felt her gaze, for he looked up. He stared into her eyes for a moment, then returned to glaring at the concrete. She could feel his eyes piercing through her, through her soul. She felt as though he want to say something to her, but couldn't. She could feel her protective walls falling; crumbling from the weight of the wreckage of a heart they were protecting. She had to fight to keep her emotions from showing. He must never know how much I need him. How destroyed I am from losing him. She somehow maintained her facade through the meeting. The most of it was a boring blur to her. There was only a few parts that stuck out to her. 

The students were receiving some new technology to add to their backpacks. She had to line up and wait to receive the computer. He was there. He stood near her, but not close enough to touch. She yearned to touch him, just to hug him would have made her so happy she could cry. She tried to talk to him, and succeeded in polite conversation. They spent their time engaging in small talk, and eventually began joking around. She was happy, he was almost the same boy she fell for; except for one thing.

He had a look in his eyes. A dark agonized look of self loathing and misery. She could see he wasn't truly happy, that there was something he wished to say. She couldn't understand why he was withholding his emotions, but was happy she managed to get him to open up this far.
When she got home from the meeting she noticed she had a message on her phone. Her heart leaped with joy when she saw it was from him. They talked late into the night. When she could stand to be awake no longer, she went to bed the happiest she had been for the longest time. 

The next day she awoke early in anticipation of his text, but there was no word from him. She waited until noon, then texted him. She messaged him off and on throughout the day, never receiving a reply. When it was time to go to sleep she went to bed with the same heavy heart she had before.