The Angel Without Wings | ✔

I: Of Thorns and Roses

I: Of Thorns and Roses

"We sit in silence and watch the stars, I suppose because there are no words, not in all the languages on earth that can properly describe the feeling of being in love. And perhaps those burning little lights out there in the dark, are the closest we come to something that does."

Beau Taplin

***

"Do you believe in heaven?"

Hindi ko alam kung bakit bigla kong naalala 'yon. Naitanong kasi 'yon ni Pastor Fedric nang magkaroon kami ng prayer meeting kanina at bigla ko na lamang naalala na may nagtanong din sa 'kin nang ganoong tanong nang bata pa lamang ako. Kaso hindi ko maalala kung sino, saan at kailan ko narinig 'yon.

Totoo nga bang may 'heaven'? Totoo bang kapag namatay ka, sa oras na imulat mo ulit ang mga mata mo ay matatagpuan mo na lamang ang sarili mo sa harap ng higanteng gintong gate? Na mahahawakan mo ang ulap...? Na makakakita ka ng mga anghel...? Na magkakaroon ka rin ng halo sa ulo? Does heaven even exist in the first place? And if heaven really does exists, then can we consider that our second life after death? Paano mapapatunayan na mayroon talagang gano'n?

"Doc, the peripheral arteries aren't functioning. His veins have shrunken. Walang madaluyan ang dugo."

"He's losing so much blood! Prepare to intubate."

Nararamdaman ko ang mga taong nasa paligid ko pero hindi ko magawang imulat ang mga mata ko. I can't move an inch. I can't even lift a single finger. Napakabigat ng katawan ko. I can hear the beeping of monitors, the different voices around me, and the clattering of metal objects. I can even smell the strong scent of the mixture of blood and antiseptics, but...

"I'm in, doc. I'll connect him to the respirator."

Then all of a sudden, something struck me and a certain scene replayed in my mind. Ahh- I remembered now. I was on my way home when I saved a pregnant woman from a thief and got stabbed instead for God knows how many times. Siguro malaki ang galit sa 'kin ng magnanakaw na 'yon dahil hinadlangan ko ang plano niya kaya't pinuruhan niya ako. Pero sana ligtas ang babaeng 'yon. Malaki pa naman ang tiyan niya at mukhang malapit na siyang manganak.

I can feel my life draining away from me. Would this be the end? Is my life only worth of 20 years? Talaga bang hanggang dito na lang ako? It's even ironic because we were talking about heaven a while ago. Who would have thought that I would go there myself so soon?

"You're dying."

Mabilis kong iminulat ang mga mata ko nang marinig ang boses na parang bumulong sa tainga ko. Nabigla pa nga ako dahil nagawa kong imulat ang mga mata ko. At mas nagulat ako dahil sa senaryong unang bumati sa 'kin.

Nakita ko ang sarili ko na nakahiga sa hospital bed at pinapalibutan ng doktor at mga nars. Ito na ba ang sinasabi ng karamihan? Na kapag daw nasa bingit ka na ng kamatayan ay bigla na lamang maghihiwalay ang kaluluwa mo mula sa katawan mo? A near-death experience. Ganito ba ang nangyayari sa 'kin ngayon? Makikita ko mismo ang kamatayan ko?

Fuck, no. I don't want to see myself die.

Sari-saring ideya ang pumapasok sa utak ko nang bigla kong maalala ang boses na narinig ko kanina. Tiningnan ko ang paligid ko at hinanap ang may ari ng boses na 'yon hanggang sa magsalita siya ulit mula sa likuran. Mabilis akong lumingon.

"You're dying," she said again.

I was taken aback when I saw a very pale girl with flaxen hair-no, wait, it wasn't flaxen at all- it's as if her hair was purely white. Dagdagan pa na kulot at ang haba ng buhok niya. Medyo malapit siya sa height na 5" at nakasuot siya ng damit na pampasyente. And her eyes-those captivating and light crimson eyes- I feel like I'm under a spell just by looking at her. Imbes na matakot ay parang namangha ako sa nakikita ko. She looked like a doll. And seeing her felt like something is tugging the edges of my heart, and at the same time, piercing it with tiny and invisible needles.