Always and Almost Forever. {Harry Styles}

Chapter Twenty Three

“It will be okay, Jo,” Niall whispered as he followed me walk out of the room where my dad’s body was.

I willed myself to stop crying but the pain towered over me and left me weak and broken.

I inhaled deeply as I took a seat on one of the chairs on the hallway just outside the room. I brought my hands up and buried my face onto them.

I felt him rub his hands my back, trying to comfort me.

“How did you know, by the way?” I asked as I took a look at him.

“Harry noticed Lauren’s pass and we knew it was yours,” Niall answered, giving me a small smile “Then, she started freaking out ad crying and we tried to ask her what was wrong. We drove her over here and then we saw you.”

I nodded my head in understanding as I took a deep breath “Can I borrow your phone? Mine doesn’t work in here and I have to tell my mom.”

I placed the bouquet of white flowers as I saw down on the grass, in front of the gray headstone where the name of my dad was written.

“Hi, dad,” I mumbled with a small smile on my lips as I reached up and traced the engravings of his name.

It has been five days since he left us completely and I’ve barely made it through but, thankfully, Lauren was with me. Mattie knew what happened to dad but, since she couldn’t come, she wasn’t here for me.

I sat crossed leg, looking around and saw a couple of families visiting their late relatives. I looked back down at my dad’s headstone.

“I miss you already,” I whispered as a wind blew past through me. I clutched my scarf tighter around me. It was unusually cold and I forgot to bring my jacket with me.

“I know we’ve been apart for five years but the last days I spent with you were the best I’ve had in a while.” I smiled sadly as my fingers made their way to the grass underneath me and I started pulling them from the ground.

“I really need you here, Dad,” I whispered.

You’re strong, Joanna, and even if I never showed it, I am so proud of you. I remember the way he said these words the night I arrived.

I decided to stay here in New York for a while and Lauren gladly offered to share her flat with me, since she was living there alone. It was really hard for me, but even harder for Lauren. Even though she wasn’t really related to me or to my dad, I know she had gone through so much for the past few days and her mom didn’t make it any easier.

“I don’t know what to do anymore, dad,” I said as I looked up and saw a couple of kids run around the lot. I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply. “I feel so lost and it’s like no one’s ever there for me”.

“Do you know what that felt like? I know I shouldn’t feel like this, because mom, Mattie and my friends are all here. But…” I paused as I looked at my left ring finger, looking incomplete without my ring. “I can’t help but feel like there’s something missing.”

If there was one important thing I learned from my dad it would be forgiveness.

A lot of people have hurt me in the past and, I’m sure will hurt me in the future; that wouldn’t change. We could not grasp the reality of hurt until we feel it overtaking us. It’s only in the matter of forgiving those people and, most importantly, forgiving ourselves.

But have I really forgiven myself? I kept putting the blame about everything that has happened on myself, to the point where I ignored my own feelings. I just let myself get hurt because I kept on thinking I deserved this.