The chance

chapter 4

Trigger warning? Idk i guess this chapter is pretty deep but i wouldnt suggest doing as the characters, since they make pretty dumb decisions.

school was finally over, and it was Friday so double win. School was hell all this week, but Bina and winter make it better. I arrived at home and saw my mom was asleep on the couch, she had her glasses still on and the TV was also on so I decided to turn off the television and take off her glasses. My siblings were still at school since they are in the after school program .I walked into my room and shut my door , then turned on my TV so I could watch supernatural. I debated on using my laptop or not, afraid that my problems from school might follow me home.

Don't do it, you know you'll have messages from them.

I decided on not using it and just watched supernatural for a while. I was about half way through the episode when my phone started going off. I had multiple messages from cassie, calums bitch girlfriend.
Fuck .
I unlocked my phone and open them.

Why. What did I do to deserve this.

She had typed so much that it took up all of my phones screen, and since it's a note 3 it was alot. She just told me the same things she always did , and seeing as I didn't answer she knew I wasn't affected by it so she started using subject which would hurt me.

"You know Sam thinks you're a slut right? He always says you are, and that's why he didn't care when you guys broke up."
as I finished reading the text I knew I couldn't hold it in any longer. I broke down , alone in my dark room with just the sound of the TV .I threw my phone on my bed, not wanting to read anymore of her hate towards me.

All I did was try to be nice. I thought to myself.

It wasn't usual for me to break down like this, it took a lot to make me cry but cassie knew just how to do so. She hit my weak spots and used things that she knew would hurt me.
Sam was my ex boyfriend, we had broken up a week before I met calum but I still had feelings for him , of course I did.
But I wasn't going to stay in a relationship where my boyfriend makes me feel like shit either.

I was done. I was a cryingmess and all my old thoughts came to mind, all those terrible thoughts that make you hate yourself. I tried so hard to push them out of mind, I turned on my music to listen to happy music and went to watch YouTube videos on my laptop.

But nothing was working. So I tried to sleep, but of course that wouldn't work either. My sister came into the room around 11:00 and I pretended to be in a deep slumber , and she got under the covers and just like that she was asleep.
I envied her ability to do so, everyone else had also fallen asleep by this time but not me.
This has been going on since the day all these problems started.
. . .
It was now 5 in the morning and I was still awake , I had stayed up watching dumb videos to see if anything would cheer me up but no, nothing. Absolutely nothing has the ability to make me smile sincerley.time passed and all my mind
Could manage to think about was the fact that my world was crumbling again.

Cmon eli, you know you wanna do it.

My mind was playing tricks on me and I had a strong urge to relapse. But I knew I shouldnt, I had gone a full year without doing so and I couldn't give up now.

Why not though? Everyone seems lose interest in you, even your best friends are.

And I kept thinking about it, did they really? I wouldn't blame them.
I tossed and turned , broke down more times that night than I had in a month.
It was 5:30 now and still wasn't asleep, my mind kept telling me to just grab a blade.
I stood up and walked over to a little box I had hidden in my closet and opened it.
Like I imagined it was still there, a bit of dust on top or it since I had not touched it for the past year...until now.
I looked at the blade and all these horrid memories flooded my thoughts.

Then I snapped, tears flowing out of my bloodshot eyes. It wasn't one of those cries that were easy to maintain quiet either, it was actually quite difficult but I managed.
My mind thought of all the free space on my body that is now scarred and then slid my blade across it.
The Crimson blood starting to form dots in a line.

At first i felt pain , then it was like a wave of releif. I hadn't felt this good in weeks.
So I spent the next couple of minutes sliding the small blade across different parts of my body.
First my wrist, then my thighs, then stomach .

After I cleaned myself up , I just stared into the mirror and thought to myself

Wow, so I have hit rock bottom again.

And from then I don't remember anything