Journal (Boyxboy)

Whole story so far (unedited)

Brian, Ryan, Ciara, mark, abby, wes

Journal 90:

It's just been a half hour of school and I'm already slipping into old patterns. These girls watch me from the front, like everyone else; their eyes look so hateful towards me. Why do they always seem to watch me? I feel like more of a freak when they do or like they know my secrets. Sometimes I wish I could be invisible, no one would stare at me then.

That boy, he's in my English class, he's the only one who doesn't stare or seem to know who I am. I feel so jealous of him, everyone stares at him like he's a god, and I've never seen his friends give him death stares. Ryan has it so easy and he doesn't even seem to notice it, I've noticed him basking in the attention. That's the only thing I don't like, and he always has people wrapped around his fingers willing to do anything he asks.

Sometimes I really wish my suicide attempt killed me, but there are times I guess where life isn't too bad. It's still bad though. Life hasn't ever been good to me and most of the time I think 'why am I staying?' lately my therapist has been getting worried, since I talk more and more about death. She contacts my 'parents' constantly but they never pick up, of course they won't, because I don't have any parents since they left me at the first time of trouble.

I think she wants to help me in a different way now. I wonder which because sometimes she acts like a therapist and others she is too personal. The bell rang and I got up slowly, making sure I didn't forget my journal.

When I had everything I quickly walked to the door with my head down, but someone bumped into me and I fell to the ground. I grunted when my elbow broke my fall, funny bone was not so funny. The journal was by the guy's feet and he went to pick it up, I freaked out, it was open. I flew forward and grabbed it and stumbled to my feet, "I'm sorry," I said to the guy and ran off acting like I had to go somewhere.

The hallway was pretty empty so I finally slowed down a little enough to make sure my journal was alright. I look through it and knew immediately what was missing. A photo of me and my brother, I frowned sadly, it was the only thing I had of him. My parents didn't keep much of his stuff and didn't take a lot of pictures of us together.

Today... I lost the picture. Hopefully I'll get it back. I need it. It's the only thing of him left. He is what keeps me going and now he's lost. I don't know how this will work.

I put my pen away as I got into the class, right before the bell rang. "Cutting it close Brian." My teacher gave me a stern look and motioned for my seat. A foot tried to trip me but I went around and sat in the back of the class.

The class door opened up again and in came Ryan with a pass. "What are you doing here Ryan?"

"My schedule was switched around." He shrugged with a signature smirk at her and looked around for a desk. I glared at the one in front of me; it was the only free one left. "So looks like...." I put in my headphones to block out him speaking. Sure I liked the dude a lot but I wasn't happy he was in another class of mine.